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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 12.10.19 08:54z 397 Lines 15010 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 10054_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 12/10
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Sent: 191012/0825Z 10054@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
>From gm3yew%gb7yew.#79.gbr.euro@i0ojj.ampr.org Sat Oct 12 10:33:03 2019
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As Grandmother used to say
If the moon rises with a halo round, soon we'll tread on deluged ground
-----------
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
You can live without sex but not your glasses.
-------
Paraprosdokian of the day
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
-----------
> The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and
sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late
and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all
excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our
toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we
sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa
Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him
out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at
Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from
the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin
to sing: "What A. Friend We Have In Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas."
-----------
THE AMISH & ELEVATORS
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son,
I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.. Finally the walls
opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman
stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son
............... "Go get your mother."
--------------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
---------
A YOUNG MAN CALLED PETER INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER. DURING THE
COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW
BEAUTIFUL PETER'S FLATMATE WAS.
SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO,
AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS.
OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT,
SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN PETER AND HIS FLATMATE
THAN MET THE EYE.
READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, PETER VOLUNTEERED, KNOW WHAT YOU
MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, JULIE & I ARE JUST FLATMATES AND
FRIENDS.
ABOUT A WEEK LATER, JULIE CAME TO PETER SAYING, EVER SINCE YOUR
MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T
SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU? WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST
TO BE SURE, SAID PETER, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU TOOK THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU DID NOT TAKE THE FRYING PAN,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU
WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
SEVERAL DAYS LATER, PETER RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ:
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU SLEEP WITH JULIE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT
YOU DO NOT SLEEP WITH JULIE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF
SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.
LOVE MUM
------------
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep th
e ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You sho
uld go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
--------------
Theft Problem IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had
Their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years
Ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just
That quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose
Thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer
Looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my
Life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they
Took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with
Earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than
My original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long
Skirt
12/10
As Grandmother used to say
If the moon rises with a halo round, soon we'll tread on deluged ground
-------
Paraprosdokian of the day
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
-----------
> The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and
sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late
and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all
excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our
toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at
Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we
sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa
Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him
out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at
Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from
the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin
to sing: "What A. Friend We Have In Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas."
-----------
THE AMISH & ELEVATORS
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son,
I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls
light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.. Finally the walls
opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman
stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son
............... "Go get your mother."
--------------------------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
---------
A YOUNG MAN CALLED PETER INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER. DURING THE
COURSE OF THE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HOW
BEAUTIFUL PETER'S FLATMATE WAS.
SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO,
AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS.
OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT,
SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN PETER AND HIS FLATMATE
THAN MET THE EYE.
READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, PETER VOLUNTEERED, KNOW WHAT YOU
MUST BE THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, JULIE & I ARE JUST FLATMATES AND
FRIENDS.
ABOUT A WEEK LATER, JULIE CAME TO PETER SAYING, EVER SINCE YOUR
MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T
SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU? WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST
TO BE SURE, SAID PETER, SO HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE:
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU TOOK THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU DID NOT TAKE THE FRYING PAN,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU
WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
SEVERAL DAYS LATER, PETER RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER WHICH READ:
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU SLEEP WITH JULIE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT
YOU DO NOT SLEEP WITH JULIE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF
SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.
LOVE MUM
------------
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep th
e ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You sho
uld go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
--------------
Theft Problem IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had
Their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years
Ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just
That quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose
Thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer
Looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my
Life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they
Took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with
Earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than
My original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long
Skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One
Morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my
Upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was
Really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.
What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a
Turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and
smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement
body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has
something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX.
This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed
and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see
that they had just been hiding in my armpits
as I slept.. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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