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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 11.10.19 06:36z 321 Lines 9385 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 9908_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 11/10
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As Grandmother used to say
It never rains but it pours
------
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
You can eat supper at 5 PM.
----------
Auto
----
A man and his wife had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could
Zip through traffic around town.
He would have settled on a used truck, but everything she seemed to like
Was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
Less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me!"
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Assault charges are pending.
Flying
------
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mum, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the
Ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground
When it's the pilot's time to go."
Newly Discovered Parchment
--------------------------
This parchment just unearthed in a 1902 time capsule found in the grounds
Of Farquar Manor, Kent.
"Please pass this parchment to your fellow gentlemen via royal mail postal
Service or messenger. What follows is a amusing and humorous account of
Living in the modern age in the year of our Lord 1902.
You know you are living in 1902 when:
1) Your chimney sweep is over the age of ten because of new fangled child
Labour laws.
2) You no longer play your pianissimo in the evenings as your right arm is
Weary from winding up the gramophone record player.
3) Working class people are allowed jobs in the same company as you.
4) You have twenty types of hat in your wardrobe, one for every occasion.
5) It is no longer illegal to shoot a Frenchman on sight.
6) You exchange your pony and trap for a one of those new motorcars and
Find that it is slower because the man with the red flag can only walk so
Fast.
7) You've seen a woman's ankle and not been obliged to marry her
Afterwards.
8) You feel nostalgic when you see toy soldiers with bright red tunics.
9) As you read this you nod and smile and then make a list of all your
Friends to send this to, passing instructions to your valet to inscribe it
And send it to them.
Husband's Cheque
----------------
Proud and pleased as she could be, the new, young bride, Mrs. Stanford
Strothers, strode briskly up to the teller's cage at the bank to cash her
husbands' pay cheque for the first time.
When the teller told her the cheque would have to be endorsed, the bride
Grabbed the pen and unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend
My husband, Stanford Strothers."
Physical
--------
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on
His shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"
"No. I play bridge with my wife."
-------
Interesting True Tombstones!
* Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
* In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist -
All dressed up And no place to go.
* On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery,
Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.
* In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who
Lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767.
* In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The
Children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them
Manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
* In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny
Yeast.. Pardon me For not rising.
* In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body
Of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
* In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We
Planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.
* A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies
An honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
* John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
* In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
* Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here
lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It
wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the
thing that made her go.
* On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan
Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled
out and went to God.
* To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To
follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went.
Senior Golfers
--------------
There were four 80-year old men playing golf.
One complained the hills were too high.
The second complained the bunkers were too deep.
The third said the holes were too wide.
The fourth one said, "Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of
The grass!"
Family Friendly
---------------
I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was
baffled when I read this email from the personnel department: "All
employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under
the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no
children may bring grandchildren."
Letter
------
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of
human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next
day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read,
"Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us,
we were very satisfied."
Pun Warning
-----------
DID THE PEOPLE LAUGH WHEN THE LADY FELL ON THE ICE?
No but the ice cracked up.
WHY AREN'T ELEPHANTS ALLOWED ON BEACHES?
They can't keep their trunks up.
WHAT DID ONE SAND PILE SAY TO THE OTHER?
What cha dune?
WHERE DOES A GARDNER KEEP HIS MONEY?
In a savings and lawn.
WHAT DOES A DANCER USUALLY DRINK?
Tap water.
WHEN ARE EYES, NOT EYES?
When the wind makes them water.
WHY DID HUMPTY DUMPTY HAVE A GREAT FALL?
To make up for a lousy summer.
WHICH PRESIDENT WAS FROM OUTER SPACE?
Ronald Ray-gun.
-----------
**A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He
was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he
did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do
with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came
into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After
complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use
an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but
eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's
going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a daffodil."
--------
Sexual
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex wijour
wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy
says: "Well the joke's on them cos I wasn't even at home yesterday."
---------
A woman sitting in an Adelaide pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it
became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Dazza
sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
'Ken ya swaller?' asked Bluey
The woman signaled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
'Kin ya breathe?' asked Dazza.
The woman shook her head 'No!!! '
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her
knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out
of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Dazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre,
but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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