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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 09.10.19 05:16z 249 Lines 7099 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 9826_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 9/10
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Sent: 191009/0506Z 9826@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
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As Grandmother used to say
A severe summer a windy autumn
-----
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
------
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
There was once a young man who, in his youth,
Professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,
stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
-----------
Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his
Retirement 30 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it' he tells his
wife' I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad ... Once I hit
The ball can't see where it went.'
His wife sympathise sand as they sit down she says 'Why don't
You take my brother with you and give it one more try.'
'That's no good' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother is a hundred and
Three. He can't help.'
'He may be a hundred and three 'says the wife' but his eyesight
Is perfect.'
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
Brother-in-law.
He tees uptakes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law.
'Did you see the ball?'
'Of course I did!' says the brother-in- law. 'I have perfect
Eyesight.'
'Where did it go?' asks Arthur.
'I can't remember.'
----------
This was written by a black gentleman in Texas
And is so funny. What a great sense of humour
And creativity!!!
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin' COLORED folks?
-
Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
Convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the
Jewish community so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won they could stay in Italy if the Pope won they'd have
To convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent
Them in the debate. However as the rabbi spoke no Italian and the Pope
Spoke no Yiddish they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that
The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still
Only one God common to both our beliefs.
'Then I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
Around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was
Also right here with us.
'I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all
Our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First he told me that we had three
Days to get out of Italy so I gave him the finger.
'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I
Told him that we were staying right here.'
'And then what?' asked a woman.
'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out
Mine.'
Sexual :-
-----------
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern
European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into
Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite
an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over
to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both
start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another
supermarket, in my case, Tesco's
You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull
over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you
intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your
wallet!
I had my wallet stolen Sept 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and
twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for
this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl
wallets are £1.75 and look better.
-----------
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh
when he decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust
of wind blew the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the
genitals.
Several hours later lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor who said "I have some good news and some bad news. The
good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to
your groin and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. The bad
news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your
penis. So I'm going to refer you to my brother."
"WellI guess that isn't too bad" the man replied. "Is your brother a
plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't
pee in your eye."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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