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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 07.10.19 07:52z 237 Lines 6546 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 9776_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 7/10
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As Grandmother used to say
If the leafs are turning up a storm is brewing!
------
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?
Vendor
------
A City Policeman goes up to a vendor selling toys on the sidewalk and says"I'm sorry you can't sell that stuff without a licens
e."
The peddler replies"I knew I wasn't selling any but I didn't know the reason. Thank you!"
An Excellent Pilot
------------------
A friend of a friend who is an airline copilot told the following stories
About a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot But not real good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing Scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He wa
s asked to hold while
The trucks came out and cleaned-up. His announcement to the passengers went
Like this"Ladies and gentlemen I'm afraid there will be a short delay
Before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's
Left of the last airplane that landed there."
Advice
------
1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death...
3. God wants spiritual fruit not religious nuts...
4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
5. Some marriages are made in heaven but they ALL have to be
Maintained on earth...
6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days then
Perhaps giving "advice" to god isn't such a good idea!
7. Sorrow looks back worry looks around and faith looks up.
8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get
Knocked down by the traffic from both directions.
9. Words are windows to the heart.
10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the
Wall claims it's a forgery.
11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill - just
Add a little dirt.
12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's
Being the right person.
13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
14. The tongue must be heavy indeed because so few people can hold it.
15. To forgive is to set the prisoner free and then discover that
The prisoner was you.
16. You have to wonder about some humans they think God is dead
And Elvis is alive!
17. It's all right to sit on your "pity pot" every now and again.
Just be sure to flush when you're done.
18. Remember a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its
Neck.
19. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence you
Can bet the water bill is higher too.
------
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to
Prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
-------------
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep3 males2 Females" he replied.
Intrigued she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded" 3 were on a beer can 2 were on the phone.
-------------
IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign....................... What you be after you be eight.
Caesarean Section........ A neighbourhood in Rome ..
Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty.
cauterise....................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic........................... A sheep dog.
Coma......................... A punctuation mark.
Dilate........................ To live long.
Enema........................... Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................ A small lie.
Impotent....................... distinguished well known.
Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..................... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient.................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis........................ Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion.................... Hiding something.
Seizure....................... Roman emperor.
Tablet........................... A small table.
Terminal Illness..............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour.........................One plus one more.
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.
Sexual content
---------------
Sex after Death . . .
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together the husband was the first to die.
True to his word he made the first contact:
"Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you Bob?"
"Yes I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"WellI get up in the morning I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of
more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp
around the golf course then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon. After supper it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed
sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...........I'm a rabbit in Norfolk!
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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