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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 06.10.19 08:20z 363 Lines 13675 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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As Grandmother used to say
Fair on September first fair for the month
--------
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
No one expects you to run anywhere.
-------------
Ole Olsen a furniture dealer from up at Saskatoon Saskatchewan decided to expand
the line of furniture in his store so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the
new acquisition he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of
wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine he noticed that the small place was
quite crowded and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant
seat in the house.
Before long a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his
Table asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand)so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak
to her in English but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her he
took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She
Nodded so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while he took another
Napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it and she nodded. They
left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing
romantic music. They ordered dinner.....after which he took another napkin
and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe
closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a
picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
-------
>>>>>> JEWISH POKER CLUB
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the
condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand clutches his chest and drops
dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade the other five continue playing but
standing up.
At the end of the game Finklestein looks around and asks"so who's gonna tell
his vife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet be gentle don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my
middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid
to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
-----------
Teaching mathâ€Ös in 1970
1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit? Remember this is pre-decimal
2. Teaching math's In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 808f the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching math's In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching math's In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching math's In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how
the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their
homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching math's In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his Chainsaw is in breach
of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and
could cut something. He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years
without incident however he does not have the correct certificate
of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and
habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated
throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to
court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down
half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw
them off but is arrested prosecuted for harassing an ethnic
Minority imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail
the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black
market for £100 cash. They also depart leaving behind several
tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is
warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his
own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for
environmental pollutionbreach of the peace and invoiced £12000
plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to
be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make
£20 profit by hard workgive upsign onto the dole and live off the
state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching math's In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan
to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money
on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in
Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay
a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who
made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1200 road tax on his old lorry how ever as it
was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations
and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it
back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send
their cash back home while claiming unemployment for themselves and
their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport
them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they
return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The
logger protests is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the
side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1500 registration fees as a gang
master.
8. Teaching math's 2017
Ø£ اÙäمسجÙä تبيع ØموÙäÙ‡ شاØنة من اÙäخشب من اجÙä 100 دوÙäار. صاØب تكÙäÙüØ© اÙäانت=D
8ج من
اÙäثمن.. ما هو اÙäØ±Ø¨Ø Ùäه؟
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonusâ€Ös
are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the
difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the math's.
---------------
Horatio Nelson at Trafalgar
Nelson: "Order the signal Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty regardless
of race gender sexual orientation religious persuasion or disability." - "What gobbledegook
is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We
had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that cas ebreak open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the
men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on
binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must
advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harness and they said that rope
ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be
erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the
differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention
of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually sir you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual
impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the
rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't
you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by
to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they
actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board watching everyone
like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually sir we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According
to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could
get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be
up on a disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put
on your Kevlar vest. It's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained sir rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal sir."
Nelson: "In that case............... kiss me Hardy.
------------
Sexual nature -
The Patient Grandfather
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle biscuits in the biscuit a
isle and for fruit cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile Granddad is working his way around saying in a controlled voice "EasyWilliamwe won't be
long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say"It's okay William just a couple more minutes and
we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."
At the checkout the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Granddad says again in a
controlled voice"William William relax buddy don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes stay cool William."
Very impressed the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the
car.
She said to the elderly gentleman"It's none of my business but you were amazing in there. I don't know
how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got you
just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks" said the grandfather"but I'm William . .. . the little bastard's name is Kevin."
---------
The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands you'll remember this...& giggle.
A little old lady well into her eighties slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously
very unstable on her feet she wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support stuttering she asks the sales cle
rk: '.... Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?'
The clerk politely trying not to burst out laughing replies: 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually
we carry many different models.'
The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk onneetttenn
inchessss lllong aaandd aabbouttt twoo inchesss ththiickk . . aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?'
The clerk responds'Yes we do.'
She asks: ' .... Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ssunoooffabbitch oooofffffffffff
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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