GM3YEW > HUMOUR 05.10.19 06:33z 235 Lines 7920 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 9700_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 5/10
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JM1YTR<JE7YGF<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 191005/0625Z 9700@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If crows fly low winds going to blow
-------
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
------
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of
the mother's labour pain to the baby's father without the need for
any physical connection. He asked if they were interested. Both
said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters explaining
that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had
ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed the husband
felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously
helping the wife considerably the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby
with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
Seagull Thought To Have Bird Flu Was Actually Drunk
---------------------------------------------------
SUNDSVALLSweden - A seagull in Sweden thought to be under the weather was
Actually just under the influence. Veterinarians in Sundsvall thought the
Bird flu virus had made its way to Sweden after recent reports of sick
Poultry in other parts of Europe. They found the gull with yellow liquid
Coming out of its beak and anusThe Local reports. The seagull was on its
Back and kicking its legs. Lab results showed that the seagull which was
Put to sleep was actually drunk. Experts believe the bird ate yeast at a
Garbage dump.
---------------------------------------------------
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to fill
Their days. I went to the store the other day. I was only there for
About 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking
Ticket.
I went up to him and said "Come on buddy how about giving a Senior
Citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
Tyres.
I called him a piece of dog filth. He finished the second
Ticket with a flourish and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 10
Minutes.
The more I verbally abused him the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's
Important at my age
-------------
A company feeling it was time for a shake-up hires a new CEO. This new
Boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the
Facilities the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of
Workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up
To the guy and asks"And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised the young fellow looks at him and replies"I make
£300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy £1200 in cash and
Screams "Here's four weeks pay now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing the CEO looks around the room
And asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With
A sheepish grin one of the other workers mutters "Pizza delivery guy
From Domino's.
==
Some thoughts on which to ponder:
If people evolved from apes why are there still apes?
If it's true we're here to help others what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
Longer?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide is it a
Hostage situation?
Do you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they're considered
Assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
Good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
Like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in Binoculars
To look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
Naked anyway.
--------
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an
important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and
narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the
world.
In an attempt to pick one of them they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best
answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed nude.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man and
the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up the three were brought in to give their
answers.
The first from Canada says "My answer is that there IS no
answer."
The second from The United kingdom says "My answer is that there
is no way to determine the answer with the information we were
given."
The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure but I have
it narrowed down to two names.
It's either:
Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Australian got the job...
--------
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said'You
have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for
the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said'All my life I lived on a
farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow
to sleep on.'
God said'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later six mice were killed in an accident and they all
went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same
offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said'Wellwe have had to run all of our lives: from catsdogsand
even people with brooms! If we could just have some little
roller skateswe would not have to run again.'
God answered'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week laterGod decided to check on the cat. He found her
sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.. God gently awakened the cat and
asked'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied'Ohit is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in
my life. The pillow is so fluffyand those little Meals on Wheels you
have been sending over are delicious!'
Heywe need a cute clean one every once in awhile.
--------
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
Here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a
Serious personal injury or illness or a death in your
Immediate family but that's it no other excuses
Whatsoever!"
A smarty teenager in the back of the room raised his
Hand and asked"What would you say if tomorrow
I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
Exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored the teacher smiles knowingly
At the student shakes her head and sweetly says
"well guess you'd have to write the exam with your
Other hand."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| 
