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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 01.10.19 09:01z 278 Lines 8376 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 9546_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 1/10
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JM1YTR<JE7YGF<LU4ECL<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 191001/0608Z 9546@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Locusts sing when the air is hot and dry
------
Dementia at our age? Heaven help the world to follow.
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number so she was using the ATM thingy.
(Keep shuddering!!)
******
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read
in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friendFinney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'YesI saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
-------
People
------
"In a recent poll one in four people said they'd donate a kidney to a
Complete stranger. yeah sure... 908f people won't even let a stranger
Merge in traffic!"
Exercise
--------
My friend Tom said he stopped watching golf on TV. His doctor recommended
That he get more exercise. So now he watches tennis.
Driving
-------
"I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me"What do you do at a red
Light?"
I said"I don't know look around listen to the radio"
Honour
------
I prefer the "u" in honour as it seems to be missing these days....
----------
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one
morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's
runny and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also
Like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast butter
straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread and a pot of
Very weak lukewarm coffee."
"That's a complicated order sir" said the bewildered waiter. "It might be
quite difficult."
The guest replied sarcastically "It can't be that difficult because that's
Exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
______
Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid
Off so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation Paddy
answered "Panty Stitcher. I sews the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it
classified as unskilled labour he gave Paddy £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied "Diesel
fitter." Since diesel fitter was a skilled job the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sews the elastic on the panties and
the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep diesel
fitter!"
--------
A different geography lesson.
Between 18 and 22 a woman is like Africa. Half discovered half
wild fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30 a woman is like Europe. Well developed and
open to trade especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35 a woman is like Spain very hot relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like Greece gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 a woman is like Great Britain with a
glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60 a woman is like Israel has been through war doesn't
make the same mistakes twice takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70 a woman is like Canada self-preserving but
open to meeting new people.
After 70 she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful with a mysterious
past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst
for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80 a man is like Iran ruled by nuts.
THE END
---
Books
-----
"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum
"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily
"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic
"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit
(illustrated by Betty Wont)
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns
"How To Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich
"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff
"How To Save Time" by Terry A. While
Random Quotes
-------------
"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable
diseases and his mother's age."
"I don't believe in astrology I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical."
(Charles Schultz)
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a
sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because
He had achieved so much -- the wheel New York wars and so on -- whilst
all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good
time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more
Intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." (Douglas Adams)
"I owe a lot to my parents especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant usually the driver." (Carol
Malia BBC Anchorwoman)
"Ah being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable."
"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thorough bred she
will never turn into an old nag."
"100000 lemmings can't be wrong."
Library
-------
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in
The middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in
Before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
=================================
Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.
"Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third
Grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade
Too!"
Ms Brooks had had enoughso she took Johnny to the principal's office. The
Principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.
"What is three times three?"
"Nine Sir."
"How much is nine times six?"
"Fifty-four."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
Should know. The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said "I think Johnny
can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."
Ms Brooks said to the principal "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agreed.
Ms Brooks asked"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny after a moment answered "Legs Ma'am"
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets!"
"OK what does a dog do that a man steps into?"
"Pants."
"What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy oval delicious and
contains thin whitish liquid?"
"Coconut. !"
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answerJohnny was taking charge. "bubble gum!"
"What does a man do standing up and a dog does on three legs?"
"Shake handsMa'am."
"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions OK? First one. You stick your
poles inside me you tie me down to get me up and I get wet before you
do."
Johnny quick as ever answered "Tent!"
"OK a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best
man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"
"I come in many sizes. When I'm not wellI drip. When you blow me you
feel good."
"Nose."
"RightI have a stiff shaft my tip penetrates and I come with a quiver."
"Arrow"
"Good now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F' ends in K' and
means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Firetruck Ma'am!"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher "Send him
to university!!!! I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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