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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 30.09.19 06:28z 368 Lines 10583 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 9502_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 30/9
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<ZL2BAU<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 190930/0624Z 9502@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rainbow in the morning gives you fair warning
***
Dementia at our age? Heaven help the world to follow.
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me
put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep
by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed..
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over
for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
****
Story
-----
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
Processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
----
Wonderful English from Around the World ..
In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail Lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's Office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
A Nairobi Restaurant: CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo Bar:SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia (Must have been a few years ago!!):THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides,Thailand:WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
And finally, the all-time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
---------
Person: what does your husband do for a living?
Me: he's the President of Putting Up With My Crap.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying,
nothing when they ask what's wrong.
Me: *trying to be romantic* I bought wine.
Wife: What kind?
Me: I don't remember.
Wife: What does the bottle look like?
Me: A cardboard box.
Couples on Facebook brag about their love and perfect life together. Meanwhile it's a good day
when my wife and I are still speaking to each other after going grocery shopping together.
-------
An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man.
"My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer.
"I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer,
"my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"Thatâ€Ös unbelievable!" said the surgeon,
"I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer,
"I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.”
-------
Teacher
-------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
Make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the
Blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
The blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
A Job Is Nice But It Interferes With Genealogy
----------------------------------------------
It's 2005, do you know where your great great grandparents are?
508f my forefathers were female.
Found a politician in my family tree - will trade for horse thief or
Black sheep.
Computer Genealogy: working out where your computer came from.
Hunting season is all year long in genealogy
Goldilocks had the three bears. Genealogists have forebears.
It's a jungle out there...and my family tree is in it!
He ain't heavy--He's my brother's aunt's sister's husband.
Yes, insanity runs in my family; but in my friend's it practically gallops.
Life is not a cabaret, my friend; it's a circus with a mighty big freak
Sideshow!
Men Over 50
-----------
Men over 50 don't need reassurance. They often need Depends.
Men over 50 are sure of themselves. It's their bodies that have serious
Doubts.
Men over 50 are delighted to be seen with women in their 30s. Unless the
Women are wearing badges and uniforms, and have just slapped cuffs on you.
Men over 50 no longer fight at the drop of a hat. They've learned it's hard
Enough to hit a toilet, much less an agile younger fellow who is kicking
Their butt.
Men over 50 have seen it all. They ate and drank a lot of it, as their
Expanding waistlines prove.
Men over 50 are sometimes tougher than nails. Bent nails, Rusty Nails.
Toe Nails.
Men over 50 like fast cars and loose women. What they actually have are
Loose cars and bad memories of fast women.
Men over 50 like sizzling steaks and smooth whisky. They usually need bran
Muffins and liquid fibre.
Men over 50 like to sink their teeth in a challenge. Frequently, though,
They are challenged to find their teeth in the sink.
==========
A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around
The block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father, I think he's
In the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fluffy for
A walk around the block?
I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Fluffy over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
With it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and
Only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
Leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Fluffy?
(YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!)
The little girl said,"She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block,
So another dog is pushing her home."
------
A womanâ€Ös husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for months, yet she
Stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he comes to. He motioned for her to come nearer and with tears
Welling in his eyes he whispers “You know what? You have been with me
Through all the bad times. When I got fired. You comforted me. When my
Business failed, you supported me. When I got shot, you nursed me to health.
When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby doss house. Now my
Health is failing, you are still right by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she asks eagerly. “I think you're bad luck; why don't you b** off!”
-----------
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women
mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after
realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Rochdale, but I've been banned from
it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms
to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy man and Marge is a skinny
bird with big blue hair."
A mate of mine has just told me he's having sex with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
The Yanks have discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives ....... Apparently
prophets are going through the roof !!
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have
added me as a friend !!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady
at the desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick swine.”
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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