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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 29.09.19 07:54z 284 Lines 8837 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 9468_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 29/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IQ5KG<IK1NHL<CX2SA<GB7CIP<N7HPX<VA7RBP<VA7PF<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190929/0740Z 9468@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Sound travelling far and wide a stormy day betide
--------
Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?
'That's right.
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true..)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have
any, only Splenda and sugar.)
And they think they are worth £15.00 per hour)
----------
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you
At 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
Your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
You know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
Growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
Detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
Unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it,
Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
Belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
When you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
Seatbelt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
To his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk
To you this way, ma'am?"
(I love this part....)
"Only when he's been drinking."
=============
I bought a heavy duty night guard BC I grind my teeth. My husband likes feeling like he's
sleeping w Wayne Gretzky.
If my wife wants to argue, we're going to argue - doesn't matter if I've already agreed with
her - we have to argue until she says everything she planned to say.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you're a pessimist.
-------------
The Basic 'Rules' of Cricket
You have 2 sides,
One out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out,
And when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in,
Until he's out.
When they are all out,
The side that's out comes in,
And the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out,
Including the not outs, that's the end of the game.
==========
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
Headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The
Headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of
Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist
And see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on
The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and
Jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
Better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
Follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror
And saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."
His funeral service will be held on Monday.
=======
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1..00 apiece on
those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making
a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that
make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean
that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they
just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but
a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of
bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're
cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it
didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
73 de dave
gm33yew@gb7yew
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