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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 23.09.19 07:56z 304 Lines 8364 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: Jokes 23/9
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As Grandmother used to say
When clouds look like black smoke, a wise man will put on his cloak
---
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark
---
A chap out for a walk bumps into a pal, who just has the one arm.
"So, what are you up to?" says the man.
"I'm going to change a light bulb," his pal replied.
Slightly concerned, he asks: "Won't that be difficult, with just one arm?"
"I shouldn't think so," his pal replied. "I've still got the receipt."
---------
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
-------
There needs to be a flame font for when I'm rage-texting my husband.
My wife just dropped your father in a sentence so I guess I better go change these relaxed
fit cargo shorts to the serious slacks
---------
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford :
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the 'Madonna look'
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
---------------
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to take-off when another man with a
Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.
The Labrador is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the
dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show
you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the man, "Watch this."
He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds.
It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police
who will apprehend her on arrival.
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a
man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The
airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the
seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and
after a while sits down next to someone.
Sniffer comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and messes all over the aisle and the seat.
The guy is really grossed out by this behaviour from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and
asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?
The handler nervously replies, "He's just found a bomb!
----
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
'Where do pets come from?'
Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now
I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember
how much you love me.'And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for
you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so
that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are
and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good
animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam
and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and
I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and
you will call him Dog.'
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam
was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said,
'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and
he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved,
but perhaps too well.'
And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with
him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his
limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme
Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.
Doughnuts
---------
"Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was
Interesting on the box, "Konsult Kardiologist". --David Letterman
Crowded Bus
-----------
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried
To force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room
In the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful,
Smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid
People stay up front?"
Tourist
-------
I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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