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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.09.19 06:12z 258 Lines 5727 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 9093_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 21/9
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 190921/0600Z 9093@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A sun shiny shower won't last half an hour
--------
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares'
game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
More tomorrow
---
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how
To eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on
Top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
------
Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions like, What's the
name of the guy from the place who does the thing?
If you don't start a fight with your husband because he's under reacting to something that
you're overreacting to, then you're not wife-ing it like me.
----
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot
Routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse
Speaker -"Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's
Tee!"
Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the
Interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee
Kindly back up to the men's tee! Please!"
Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the
Clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
--------
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhymes
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
------
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING FOOTBALL WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW"
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;
"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO
PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
FINE, SHE SAYS,
"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE
ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS.
"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK
SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO
FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND
HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY
FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS
HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID,
"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG
MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE
REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A
CAKE."
HE SAID,
"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"
SHE REPLIED,
"HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I
DON'T THINK SO!"
-----------
Sexual content -
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he
Is staring.
He re plies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend
You
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive.' Well, I've always had a fantasy to
have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about
that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab
driver is very excited and says Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My
dear child,' said the nun, why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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