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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   19.09.19 06:14z 234 Lines 7939 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 9000_GB7YEW
Subj: Jokes 19/9
Sent: 190919/0604Z 9000@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

As Grandmother used to say 
 Clouds small and round like a dapply-gray, with north wind, fair for a day

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were 
spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

More tomorrow
 AN AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and
explore the city on his own.

   He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint
pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

   After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area... Big, stately
residences... No pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO
PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness.

   He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping,
he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you
simply cannot do that here, you know."

   "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO
GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

   "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery
alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

   "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."

   The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of
gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens
himself and is greatly relieved.

   As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really
decent of you... Is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

 "No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy

Boss: I see your wife visited the office again.
Me (picking up throw pillows): Yep
After years of secrecy and arising suspicion, my husband finally caught me in the act of shaving
my toes.


It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked 
Their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an 
Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old 
Secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the 
Weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that 
The winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the 
Village should collect wood to be prepared.

Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He 
Went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the 
Coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be 
Quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even 
More wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again.  "Is 
It going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National 
Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The 
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every 
Scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one 
Of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied,
"The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".


Three Australians and three Englishmen are going to a football 
Match. At the train station, the three Australians each buy a single and 
Watch as the three Englishmen buy just one ticket between them.

How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks 
One of the Australians. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Englishmen. 
They all board the train. The Australians take their respective seats but 
All three Englishmen cram into a loo and close the door behind them. Shortly 
After the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the 
Tickets. He knocks on the loo door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens slightly and a single arm emerges with a ticket in 
Hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Australians are mightily 
Impressed, and after the game, to save money, they decide to repeat the 
Englishmen's trick. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for 
The return trip. To their astonishment, however, the Englishmen don't 
Buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
Australian. "Watch and learn," says one of the Englishmen.

The train departs, the three Englishmen cram into a loo, and the 
Three Australians pile into another one nearby. Shortly afterwards, one 
of the Englishmen sneaks out of the loo, knocks on the door of the loo in 
which the Australians are hiding, and says, "Ticket please..."

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher alert levels in France are 'Surrender'

and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's

only white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military.

 It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The Italians have increased

their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two

more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

 The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in

uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour"

and "lose".

 Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism"

to "find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for regime change". Their remaining

higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help".

 Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another

cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".



Sexual content -












A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Absolutely," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.



The waiter took a bottle of merlot to the woman & said "This is 
From the gentleman seated over there" indicating the sender

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, 
And decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter,who was 
Lingering for a response,took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read. "For me to accept this bottle,you need to have a 
Mercedes in your garage,a million pounds in the bank, and 7 inches in your 

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own 
In return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed 
Him to return this to the woman.

It read " For your information , I have a Ferrari maranello, a BMW 
Z8, A Mercedes CL600 and a PorscheTurbo in my garage. There is over 20 
Million pounds in my bank account. But , not even for a women as beautiful 
As yourself would I cut three inches off.  Just send the bottle back."

73 de dave


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