GM3YEW > HUMOUR 11.09.19 08:14z 275 Lines 9595 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 8631_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 11/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IK1NHL<CX2SA<ZL2BAU<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 190911/0754Z 8631@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If ants move their eggs and climb rain is coming anytime
-------
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show
responses were spontaneous not scripted as they are now!
Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
-----
A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or
phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to
reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic
effect sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason it is extremely
popular among comedians and satirists..
Ø I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn't work that way so I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.
-------
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with
himself in front of a tractor. Mick says"Jesus paddy what ya doing?" Paddy
says"Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the
therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....
-------
An Englishman a Scotsman a Norwegian a Latvian a Turk an Aussie a Yank an Egyptian a Jap a Mexican a Spaniard a Greek a Russian an Estonian a German an Italian a Pole a Lithuanian a Swede a
Finn an Israeli a Romanian a Bulgarian a Serb a Czech a
Brazilian a Canadian an Argentinian a Korean and a Swiss man walked
into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I cant let you in without a
Thai”.
-----------
Foods
-----
so can anyone tell me why all-natural unprocessed foods are so
much more Expensive than their synthetic over-processed counterparts?
I've Learned....
----------------
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end The faster it goes.
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go but FAT cells
Live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school but they can in
Prison?
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping" now I just "chunky dunk."
"R" Troubles
------------
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and
All the other kids were of course teasing him about it.
To help him out the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home:
"Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."
In class a few days later the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence
Out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at
Him--then replied "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny
Wasn't cooked enough."
Identity
--------
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She
gave a personal cheque in payment and said to the salesman"I suppose you
will want some identification."
He replied without hesitation"No ma'am that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss" he answered.
===========
Australia
---------
These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism
Website and obviously the answers came from an Aussie. (in brackets show
The country where the question was coming from)
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV So how do the plants grow (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
Them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the streets? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure it's only three thousand miles take lots of water with you.
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
Contact for a stuffed porpoise (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
List of them in Brisbane Cairns Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does
Not...... Oh forget it. sure the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked!
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
We'll send you the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tria is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-NY which
is.... Oh forget it. sure the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
Night in Kings cross straight after the hippo races. Come naked!
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No WE don't stink !
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
Tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
Is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet but for you we'll import them !
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
Round? (Germany)
A: No we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is
Illegal.
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
Rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless can be safely handled and
make good pets.
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R R and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
21. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes but you'll have to learn it first.
Car Accident Statements
-----------------------
Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at
the wheel and had the accident.
Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car
out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving sad face old gentleman as he bounced
off the hood of my car.
Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me so I with my
right front bumper removed his left rear tail light.
Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned
the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different
direction going the opposite way.
Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the
car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and
there was a crash.
Man Driver: As I approached the intersection a stop sign suddenly appeared
in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to
stop in time to avoid the accident.
Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle.
Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere struck my vehicle and
vanished.
Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my
hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the roadway when I struck him.
Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas
and crashed into the other car.
Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth.
Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the
hospital.
Not PC
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a
Visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said'How can I help you?' The farmer said'I want to get one of them dayvorces.' The lawyer said'Do you have any
Grounds?' The farmer said'YesI got 40 acres' The lawyer said'NoNoYou don't understandDo you have a suit? The farmer said'YesI got a
SuitI wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said'NonoI meanDo you have a case?' The farmer said'NoI ain't got a Casebut I got a
John Deere. The lawyer said'NoI meando you have a grudge?' The farmer
Said'YesI got a grudgethat's where I parks the John Deere' The lawyer
Said'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said'Nowe
Both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question
The lawyer said'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said'Noshe's a
Little white galbut our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a
Dayvorce.'
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| 
