| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 10.09.19 08:14z 207 Lines 5569 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 8572_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 10/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IR2UFV<IR0UGN<IK5FKA<LU9HGS<LU1HVK<N7HPX<WH6FQE<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190910/0807Z 8572@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Mackerel sky and mares' tails make tall ships carry low sails
---------
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses
were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
.
Q.Do female frogs croak
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
More tomorrow
----------
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in the
pouring rain is asking for a push.
'Not a chance' says the husband 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'NoI did not it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well you have a short memory' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months
ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him
and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told gets dressed and goes out I not the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark 'Hello are you still there?'
'Yes' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband..
'Over here on the swing' replied the drunk.
How To Train A Cat
------------------
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use
the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband
reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet.
Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him
a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go
outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
--------
Paddy says to Mick"Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
-------------
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says'A
Hamburger fries and a coke' and turns to the ostrich What's yours?'
'I'll have the same' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
'That will be 9.40 please' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact amount for payment.
The next day the man and the ostrich come again and the man says'A hamburger fries
and a coke.'
The ostrich says'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No this time it's a treat so I will have a steak baked potato and salad' says the man.
'Yep! Same' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says'That will be 32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your
pocket every time?'
'Well' says the man' several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anythingI would just put my hand in
My pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million
pounds or something but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce the exact money is always
There' says the man.
The waitress asks'But sir what's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs pauses and replies 'my second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and
Long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
-------------
Sexual content -
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat
down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept
looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally after many such glances from her he said'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply
thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes not being able to contain her curiosity any longer she asked............
'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
--------
A lonely widow age 70decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's)MUST NOT BEAT ME MUST NOT
RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she
Opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said' You're not really asking me to consider you are
You? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled' ThereforeI cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again the old man smiled 'ThereforeI can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back beamed a big smile and said 'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
