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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 06.09.19 08:13z 361 Lines 12319 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 8300_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 6/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<UA6ADV<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 190906/0734Z @:GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:8300 LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When smoke descends good weather ends
----------
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking
place.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
More tomorrow.
_______
Salesman
--------
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and
Its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
"The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a
Slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
-----
In evidence the court heard that the defendant was being pursued by various
creditors who were seeking settlement of accounts for goods provided and
services rendered. Explaining how he ran up thousands of pounds in debt he
explained that he had been induced by high pressure salesmanship to take
out several plastic cards, and had sought to balance one account against
another in an effort to keep the wolf from the door. It all was, as his
solicitorsaid, all too easy for him to access cash through ATMs, or
hole-in-the-wall
machine. He did not have the strength of character to resist the ready
availability. "The weak" said the presiding Judge, "must go to the wall".
*************************
Members of the cast of the panto "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" in
Kent say that due to considerations of political correctness all mentions of
"dwarfs" is out, and that the aforesaid dwarfs are now to be referred to as
"gnomes" or "guardians of the Forest".
This is in case the production offends people with restricted growth".
*************************
And the headline in a Kent newspaper asks: "Bird Flu: can we catch it early?"
*************************
Twenty out of 40 members of a Cuban choir have defected during a tour of
Canada. In the old days the definition of a Russian string quartet was: "A
Russian symphony orchestra after a world tour".
*************************
An English magazine has been criticised for offering a prize of a "boob job".
I dunno. Jobs are hard enough to come by these days.
*************************
A new Spanish built train suffered damage when it collided with a cow on
the line near Thurles. Iarnrod Eireann should recruit Spanish train drivers,
preferably with experience as bullfighters.
---------
My sister had been ill so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old
niece answered the phone 'Hello' she whispered. 'hi honey. How's your
mother?' I asked. 'She's sleeping' she answered again in a whisper. 'Did she
go to the doctor?' I asked. 'Yes. She got some medicine' my niece said softly.
'well don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing by the way?'
Again in a soft whisper she answered 'Practicing my trumpet.'
-----------------------------------
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office woman rolled an elderly
man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk the
man sat there alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk
with him a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the
wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man 'she said 'I know how you feel.
My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
________________________________
As I was nursing my baby my cousin's six-year-old daughter Krissy came into
the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before she was intrigued and full
of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers
she remarked 'My mom has some of those but I don't think she knows how to
use them.'
___________________________ _____
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter Carolyn I got a
littlewistful. 'In ten years ' I said 'you'll want to be with your friends and
you won't go
walking biking and swimming with me like you do now.' Carolyn shrugged. 'In
ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
________________________________
Working as a pediatric nurse I had the difficult assignment of giving
immunization
shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old
Lizzie her needle. 'Nonono!' she screamed. 'Lizzie' scolded her mother' that's
not
polite behaviour.' With that the girl yelled even louder 'No thank you! No
thank you!
________________________________
My wife left the car unattended for only a minute but it was long enough for our
two-year-old to climb in throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost.
Hewas fine but the car wasn't and I had a hard time explaining who was behind
thewheel to the insurance company. After a pause the adjuster asked 'Do you let
him
drive often?'
________________________________
One afternoon while I was visiting my library I noticed a group of preschoolers
gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady
Who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page she asked the
children 'Do you think she'll die?' 'Nope' a little girl in the back said. 'I
saw this
last night on Fear Factor.'
------------------------------------
On a brutally humid day I walked past a miniature golf course and saw a dad
following three small children from hole to hole. 'Who's winning?' I shouted.
'I am'
said one kid. 'Me' said another. 'Nome' yelled the third. Sweat dripping down
his face the dad gasped' Their mother is.'
-----------------------------------
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting my grandson asked my son the question.
'Dad I know that babies come from mommies' tummies but how do they get there
in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile
my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up
Dad.
It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
________________________________
Just before I was deployed to IraqI sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the
news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time' I told him. 'I'm going to
Iraq '
'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
________________________________
Even though the toddler was having a furious tantrum his mom was unfazed. 'You
may as well give up on the crying' I heard her say as she led him to the store
exit.
'You're stuck with me for 18 years.'
________________________________
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with
cancer AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife Joanne Woodward
stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table
suspecting the
young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star explained
'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on
hissalad dressing bottle? ' Blank stares. 'well you've probably seen his face
on his
lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
________________________________
Like all growing boys my teenage grandson Jermon was constantly hungry. I went
to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. After poking around a
bit and moving the milk and juice cartons I spotted a bowl of leftover chili.
'Hey
Jermon' I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. 'Look! I found
some chili.' Struggling to be polite he said 'If you're that surprised I'm not
really
sure I want it.'
________________________________
My last name is a mouthful so when my three-year-old niece learned to spell it I
was thrilled until my cousin burst my bubble. 'You can spell Sczygelski any way
you like' he pointed out. 'Who's going to know if it's wrong?'
________________________________
For the first time my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to
have mea dental hygienist clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her
grand-mother.
When they came in I greeted them warmly seated Kelsey and as usual put on my
gloves goggles and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure she got scared and
cried 'I want my mommy!' I quickly pulled off my mask and said 'I am your
mommy.'Without hesitating my daughter yelled back 'Then I want my granny!'
----------
Don't argue with an idiot, people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.
-------------
Traffic Polis in Glesga
"If any of you are contemplating a visit to the Glasgow area (applies all over)
please
bear in mind that the Scots language can be a trifle difficult to understand
The Glasgowor more properly "Glesca"dialect is known to be extremely concise as
so much can be said in so few words.
Consider for examplethis exchange between a motorist and a Police Officer who
stopped him in the Possilpark area. Translation is provided inside the brackets.
Police officer:
Yaw rite ? (are you feeling ill?)
Driver:
'maw rite. (No. I'm feeling exceptionally well thank you)
Police officer:
Yeshoor? (are you entirely certain of that fact?)
Driver:
Aye. (yes)
Police officer:
Zisyoors? (are you the registered owner of this vehicle?)
Driver:
Zwitmine? (which vehicle are you referring to?)
Police officer:
Ris caur (The automobile in which you are presently seated)
Driver:
Sibrurn laws (Actuallyit belongs to my sister's husband)
Police officer:
Wers heeren? (Can you tell me where he can be located ?)
Driver:
'Raboozers. (He is a guest of the local hostelry.)
Police officer:
Yebeen garglin'. (Have you partaken of any alcholic beveragesin the recent
past?)
Driver:
Jissa cupple. (I have consumed only one or two small cocktails prior to dinner.)
Police officer:
Yur stoatin'. (It is my considered opinion that you are considerably under the
influence of alcohol.)
Driver:
Naw'mno' (I beg to differ.)
Police officer:
Ye urstoatin'. (I believe that my initial observation is correct and that you
are being somewhat deceitful.)
Driver:
Umnoe. (I swear that I am being entirely truthful.)
Police officer:
Geezyer licence. (Would you be kind enough to allow me to inspect your drivers
licence?.)
Driver:
'Vno goatwan. (I am not in possession of such a document.)
Police officer:
Geroot racaur (Kindly remove yourself from the automobile.)
Driver:
Whiffur? (By what legal right do you make this request?.)
Police officer:
'Mapolis. ( I am a member of the local police constabulary.)
Driver:
Ommygoad (I call upon the Supreme Beingto witness this moment of extreme
duress.)
Police officer:
Geroot Ren. (Will you now please extricate yourself from your position behind
the steering wheel.)
Driver:
Awrite'mcomin' (I am proceeding to do so with all possible speed.)
Police officer:
Blawris up. (Are you familiar with the breathalyser test?.)
Driver:
'Mgonny Besik. (I am not feeling too well and I believe that I am about to be
violently ill.)
Police officer:
Noanme Yurno. (Please exercise a great deal of caution as to the direction your
involuntary emission takes.)
Driver:
'Mawrite Noo (Having ridden my digestive tract of an accumulation of
nausea-inducing substances I now feel better.)
Police officer:
GetniVan. (Please be kind enough to accept a short ride in the humble vehicle
provided for my use by the local police.)
Driver:
Wer Wegaun? (May I be so forward as to make an enquiry as to our ultimate
destination ?.)
Police officer:
Jail. (To my headquarterswhere you will be incarcerated.)
Driver:
Ohmigoadrawife'll murder me. (Once again I call upon the Supreme Being to
witness this
unfortunate turn of events. Incidentally I must inform you that my spouse will
take my life by
violent means.)
Police officer:
Getna Wagon. (May I offer you my assistance in climbing into the back of my
vehicle.)
Driver:
AwNeveragain. Ratsit furme. (I have now learned a valuable lesson and I hereby
declare
total abstinence from all alcoholic beverages hence forth.)"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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