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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.09.19 06:30z 204 Lines 6824 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 8219_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 4/9
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JE7YGF<LU4ECL<HR1PAQ<CX2SA<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 190904/0608Z 8219@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Evening grey and morning red, put on your hat or you'll wet your head
--------
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
________
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and
got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was,
face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were
welling in my eyes.............Then a moment of pure inspiration........
.....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !
-------
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking
together one day...
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', Says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I
want the land to be
forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada
was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,
Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge
wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's
virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'
---------
Quotes
------
"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120
coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change."
--Jay Leno
"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish - the
language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not surprisingly the
Elvish language has no words for girl, date or kiss."
--Conan O'Brien
"The man responsible for making popcorn a movie theatre snack has passed
away. His family was going to get him a regular casket, but then decided to
get the extra large one which was the better deal because it came with a
medium Coke."
--David Letterman
----------------
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a
Look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey
Doc, can I ask you a question!?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
Working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
Hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its
Heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back
In, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such
A small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are
Doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
Mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running"
--------------
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole, and a birdie on
the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever
hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
Accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The man told
the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there
as soon as possible.
As he hung up, he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to
be his best-ever round of golf --- he decided to get in a couple more
holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round, shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant ..
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he raced to the
hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his
wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished
your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife
has been suffering in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished that round, because it will likely be your last! She will require
'round-the-clock care and unless you can afford three shifts of
nurses for the rest of her life, you'll be her care giver!'
The man was feeling so distraught he broke down and sobbed. The
doctor snickered and said, 'Just fooling you. She's dead. What'd
you score?'
-----------------
Sexual nature -
A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature,
had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so
badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about
his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore, " she told him.
"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit
you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55
MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At
65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now, seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he
ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car
around a tree.
His girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull
him free but alas, he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help, "he said.
"I don't have a thing to cover myself with! " she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll
have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she
did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the
road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend! " she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull
him out! The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs
replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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