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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 02.09.19 05:44z 229 Lines 7284 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 8106_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 2/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<GB7COW<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 190902/0541Z 8106@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A month that comes in good, goes out bad
------
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
More tomorrow
_______
Why men shouldn't be Agony aunts.
Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I'm desperate.
Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.
Hope this helps.
Phil.
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A new Asda Supermarket opened here recently. It has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant
sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience
the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks
and brauts.
In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller
Lite.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
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Selling A Car
-------------
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems
selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 kilometres on it. One day,
she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette
told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's
Not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the
car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it
should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell
your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 kilometres on
it!"
Good Bad And Worse
------------------
GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price!
BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop.
WORSE: The tailor there has never seen a Stanley Armani suit before.
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again!
BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
WORSE: You haven't told your wife.
GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love!
BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed.
WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage.
GOOD: You went for the 200,000 km, head-to-tail warranty on the RV.
BAD: You watch the odometer pass 199,999.
WORSE: ...When a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.
GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet!
BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there!
WORSE: You get a bill for hosting a website - www.kiddiesleaze,.co
GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High school...
BAD: ...Until a school counselor urges therapy for both your son and daughter.
WORSE: You only have one kid.
GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your gardener.
BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him.
WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan.
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight, he tells you you're cute.
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon.
BAD: There's a rumour going around town that he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not.
--------
ALL GIRL BIKER BAR
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by
mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given
that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that
blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
-----------
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my
trousers and gave me the most amazing sex ever....which is really
odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--------
Rusi and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rusi didn't
show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold
or something.
But after Rusi hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam
didn't know where Rusi lived, so he was unable to find out what had
happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Rusi, but one day,
Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Rusi! Sam was
very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Rusi, what in the world happened to you?'
Rusi replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well' Rusi said, 'you know Cindy, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee
shop where I some-times go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so
proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
--------
Tom: You can tell who's running the country by how much clothes people wear,see?
Dick: Do you mean that some people can afford more clothes on, and some people
Have... Less on? Is that what you mean?
Tom: That's right.
Dick: I don't understand.
Tom: See, the ordinary people, you'd say that the ordinary people are the less-ons.
Dick: So who's running the country?
Tom: The morons.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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