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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 01.09.19 06:44z 259 Lines 6713 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 8054_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 1/9
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IR2UFV<GB7CIP<ZS0MEE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190901/0624Z 8054@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If the moon rises with a halo round, soon we'll trudge on deluged ground
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These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked
one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded.
"Half the audience walked out before I finished."
Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied.
"I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
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Golf
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Why am I using a new putter?
Because the last one didn't float too well.
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining
that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance
and swing and then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first
green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto
the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow
asked the speechless pro.
The pro just stood there and stared at the novice. "Uh... You're supposed
to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said after he was able to
Speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
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My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel
my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window,
take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all
of my jewellery to the charity shop. Then sell my new car, take my front
door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never
talk to me again. Oh yeah, don't forget to write me out of your will and leave
my share to my siblings.
Well, she didn't actually put it like that...
What she actually said.... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
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Random Q & A
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Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.
Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
A: Lucky.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road
twice without taking a bath?
A. A dirty double crosser.
Q. Why did the chicken only cross the road halfway?
A. It wanted to lay it on the line.
Q. What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A. Kids don't eat broccoli.
Q. What has four wheels and flies?
A. A trash truck.
Q: What did the digital watch say to the alarm clock?
A: Look, mom! No hands!
Q: What a fisherman paid?
A: The net profits.
Q: What's a kangaroo's favourite year?
A: A leap year.
Q: What's the best way to drive a baby buggy?
A: Tickle its feet.
Q: What's the fastest growing animal?
A: A kangaroo. It grows in leaps and bounds.
Q: What did one casket say to the other casket?
A: Is that you, coffin?
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a destroyer and a cheat?
A: One rules the waves: the other waives the rules.
Q: What did the petroleum sing to the coal?
A: "What kind of fuel am I?"
Q: How do dogs celebrate birthdays?
A: The same way they celebrate everything else - by sniffing each other's
rear-ends.
Q. Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
A. He's fully recovered!
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery..
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152 and he's from Dublin!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles!"
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Just learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there
is a computer virus out there called the "C-Nile Virus" that even
the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be
warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950.
Symptoms of the C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same E-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank E-mail.
3. Causes you to send E-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send E-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to send E-mail to other listed persons who received the
E-mail from the person who sent it to you.
6. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
7. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an
erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly
pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?'
says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked
receptionist,
'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the
£500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see
all our facilities.'
The man replies,
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day!!'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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