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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 31.08.19 06:34z 457 Lines 10280 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 8016_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 31/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190831/0614Z 8016@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Sore throat, she didn't say anything today
--------
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
More tomorrow
---
The British Penny
EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all
citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be
made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st
December 2018 .
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention.
-------------
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to
Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you
100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you
wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire ..
And so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local
civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off
my census."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... The squaw
of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
---------
Would you believe this about our favourite summer beverage ? Shocking! This is alarming & scary stuff!
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, thatâ€Ös right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens)and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 1008f the test subjects, yes, 1008f all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
-------
Quotes
------
My father invented the burglar alarm - which unfortunately was stolen from
him.
-Victor Borge (1909 - 2000)
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
-Victor Borge
I only know two pieces one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.
-Victor Borge
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-Victor Borge
Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit everyone once a year.
-Victor Borges
When an opera star sings her head off she usually improves her appearance.
-Victor Borge
I had my electric cords shortened to save on electricity.
-Gracie Allen (1906 - 1964)
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
-Gracie Allen
The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
-Gracie Allen
This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks
and no balances.
-Gracie Allen
The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to
sit in the balcony.
-Gracie Allen
It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it
seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier
than asking anyone else.
-Gracie Allen
--------
Larry May Become My New Favourite!
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said
his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What's the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”
________________________________
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Larry quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”
________________________________
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too......
Don't laugh .....It's all true!
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or
beyond.......
1.
Kidnappers are not very
interested in you....
2.
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first....
3.
No one expects you to run ...... anywhere!
4.
People call at 9 pm (or 9 am) and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6.
There is nothing left
to learn the hard way.
7.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.
8.
You can eat supper at 4 pm
9.
You can live without sex
but not your glasses.
10 .
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12 .
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the
room.
13.
You sing along with lift music.
14 .
Your eyes won't get
much worse.
15.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
18 .
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19.
You can't remember who sent you this list.
________________________________
Golf
I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the fridge:
"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!!! Gone to stay with my Mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?
-----------
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into
a deep coma
After being in a coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw
that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are
fine.
However they were poorly at birth, and had to be christened
immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.
The woman thought to herself,
~Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot!
Expecting the worst , she asked the doctor, Well, what's my
daughter's name?
Denise, said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself ,
~Wow, that's a really beautiful name.
I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise .'
Then she asked, So what's the boy's name then?
The doctor replied : Denephew.
-------------
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.
--------------
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law
boiling with anger and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email
to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I
get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Rachel,
with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end
of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something
very odd going on here. Rachel would NEVER do such a thing! There
must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and
find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile on her face.
" I told you there must be a simple explanation ....she didn't
receive your E-mail.!"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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