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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 30.08.19 06:34z 266 Lines 7635 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7951_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 30/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IQ5KG<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190830/0603Z 7951@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When the swallow's nest is low, you can safely reap and sow
===
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
_
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
More tomorrow
-----------
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her
son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing
his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail
to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my
fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your
daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital
bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done.
I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do
such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to
her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ...
she never got your e-mail!"
-----------
Swimming
--------
My mum said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
And threw her off the boat. I said"mum they weren't trying to teach you
How to swim."
Courage
-------
A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his
University. The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay
On the topic"What is courage?"
The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. finally he
Scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him got up and
Turned in the piece of paper.
All he had written was: "This is."
Speeding Excuses
----------------
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses
That drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favourites.
By the way none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been
Stung by a bee and was allergic. "There's the bee right there" he said
Pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked.
The bee was not only dead But in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 110 kph on the shoulder of I-95 avoiding the
Bumper-to-bumper traffic. After half a kilometre he was stopped by an
officer. He jumped out of the car brushing off his pants and told the
cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to
park" he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife
is ovulating" he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 130 kph. When he asked the driver whether
he had seen the speed-limit signs the man responded"I went by them so
fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 130 kph.
"My engine misses and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor" he told the
officer. For good measure he added"If I don't go this fast my car
won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court" one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going
to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill
Expressway was 80 kph the driver responded"Officer where have you been?
It's 105 now."
One speeder said simply"I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 120 kph. When told he was
getting a ticket he asked the officer"Is there a senior citizen's
discount?"
--------
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very
upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I wanna
increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated:"Oh he did--- did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the
bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my
husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora......The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
--------
A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was
Lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he
Always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer.
Place this small ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and
I can give you a close shave."
The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side
Of his face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!"
He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the
Barber's' next move and with muffled voice asked, "but what happens if
I accidently swallow the ball?"
The barber said, "Just bring it back the next day,. ..
that's what the last guy did."
-------------------
Dinosaur
--------
Some tourists in the Museum are marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of
Them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and six months
Old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their
Age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old
When I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!"
Helpless
--------
An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central
Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was
Horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his
Side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were
Turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was
Paralyzed.
A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.
"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money
To buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."
The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man
On the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.
"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town
Specialist?"
"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"
"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."
"But, I have no trouble with my hands."
"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach
Into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."
"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that
When I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."
Party
-----
This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.
"What the heck are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail" says the guy.
"But... You have a girl on your back" replies the host.
"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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