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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 28.08.19 06:15z 280 Lines 9168 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7863_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 28/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190828/0603Z 7863@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Onion skins thick and tough, coming winter hard and rough
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These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_______
A Good Lawyer Story
Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:
You have to love this lawyer........
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: (Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France ,
which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was immediately approved
---------
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she
Had got lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the
Library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't
Actually found the exit herself. She had used an emergency phone to call
For help. Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't
Know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they
Located my position from the card catalogue."
---------
This explains why I forward jokes.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
Scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
Years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
The road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was
Broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
Looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked
Like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got
Closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right
up.'
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler
Asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
Continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to
a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never
Been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
Reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
Hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he
Gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
Standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said
That was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
Best friends behind.'
Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without
Writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you
do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you
Forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how,
You forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still
Important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you
Get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just
Another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your
Friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are welcome @ my water bowl anytime
-----------
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT
LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC
CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY
SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH
WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS,
THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT
THE OFFERINGS..
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A
NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND
THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN
AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
---------
Sexual content -
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the
wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out,
and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look
about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front
door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again -
much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!"
says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate!
Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke,
a bit perplexed. Realising the little foreign fellow had
misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! No ! Mate,
Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man,
still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector.
"You're misunderstanding me.
Where's your 'w h e e l I e' bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin,
and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having
sex wirra wife's sista!"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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