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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 27.08.19 07:50z 234 Lines 6458 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7816_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 27/8
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Sent: 190827/0742Z 7816@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If the first week in August is unusually warm, the coming winter will be snowy and long
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These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
more tomorrow -
______
Truths About Golf
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- If you really want to get better at golf go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
- The game of golf is 906ental and 106ental.
- Since bad shots come in groups of three a fourth bad shot is actually the
Beginning of the next group of three.
- Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
- No matter how bad you are playing it is always possible to play worse.
- Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your
Swing.
- When your shot has to carry over a water hazard you can either hit one more
Club or two more balls.
- The less skilled the player the more likely he is to share his ideas about
The golf swing.
- If it ain't broke try changing your grip.
- Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
- Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
- A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
- It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you are lying 10.
- Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like
Expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
- Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
- It's not a gimme if you're still away.
- There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you
Meant to play it.
- You can hit a 2-acre fairway 108f the time and a 2-inch branch 908f the
Time.
- If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does simply try to lay up
Just short of a water hazard.
- Hazards attract fairways repel.
- A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
- If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker your ball is in
The bunker.
- If both balls are in the bunker yours is in the footprint.
- Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
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I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful
time playing on the bed. At one point she said,'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of
her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'
She replied,
'What happened to my bogey?'
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A Saskatchewan police officer had a perfect spot to watch for speeders but
wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
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A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Edmonton , AB.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As the Saskatchewan RCMP Officer walked to her car window, flipping
open his ticket book, she said,
I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.
He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and drove off.
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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of
mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and
went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K..?!!'
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Astronomy and the COLONOSCOPY REPORT
During my check-up I asked the Doctor,
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
Arrangements
------------
Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a
Marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my
Son's' life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's
Daughter." "Well, in that case..."
Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your
Daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is
Already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a
Young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have
More vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's
Son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
Living Will
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A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her: "Just
So you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some
Machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up and unplugged the TV.
Resolution
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One of your resolutions should be to speak softly and sweetly. If your
Words are soft and sweet they won't be as hard to swallow when you have to
Eat them.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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