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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 26.08.19 06:06z 335 Lines 11147 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7792_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 26/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190826/0602Z 7792@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Birds flying low, Expect rain and a blow
----
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
------
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their
best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded: " Rome?
Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called
Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."
"Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need
it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "Not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-
year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. "
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and
now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so
they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and
wait, the Pope would personally greet me. "
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who on earth did your hair?"
-------
Peter Kay Funnies:
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that
The Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast
during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked
to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to
my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me
'and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire 'which is probably why he got thrown
out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you
going to help?' I said ''No six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Nome neither.
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand
such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet
cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your
back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first
given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through
and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
Some great questions brought to you by Peter Kay:
1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say'
My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp
no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say 'I think I'll squeeze these
dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time but don't point to
their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables then
what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in
the universe you believe thembut if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere
you have to touch it to make sure?
-----------
.I remember the cheese of my childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work not the wife.
The cheese never needed an ice chest,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The children were seldom unhappy
And the wife was content with her lot.
I remember the milk from the Billy,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from the fridge in the shop.
The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn't need money for kicks,
Just a game with our mates in the paddock,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.
I remember the shop on the corner,
Where a pen'orth of lollies was sold
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic,
Or is it....I'm just getting old?
I remember when the loo was the dunny,
And the pan man came in the night,
It wasn't the least bit funny
Going out the back with no light.
The interesting items we perused,
From the newspapers cut into squares,
And hung on a peg in the outhouse,
It took little to keep us amused.
The clothes were boiled in the copper,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone's duds
I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren't heard of
And we hadn't much choice what we wore.
Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.
Celebrating Today: Internet Birthday
-------------------------------------
In 1969, a Sigma-7 computer at the University of California at Los Angeles
Was linked to an SDS 940 computer at Stanford Research Institute (SRI
International) in Menlo Park, California. The first message sent over a
Packet-switched network were the letters "lo," the first letters of the
Word "login." After Charley Kline sent the first two letters, the system
Crashed. The two networked computers were the beginning of Arpanet which
Led to the current Internet.
----------
THE 12 STEP PROGRAM
The 12-Step Program for Web Addict Survivors - Join now ... Free Membership
If you join within the next 30 days!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I
Used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner
Before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and
Family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book ... I think I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them
To turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it is
Necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my
Chequebook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ...
And the Web will always be there tomorrow!
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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