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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 25.08.19 07:03z 242 Lines 7259 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7769_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 25/8
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JE7YGF<GB7CIP<EI2GYB<N9LCF<WH6FQE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190825/0554Z 7769@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Look on the sunny side of life
----
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
-------
Two Blondes With Hammers...
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the
tail
pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll
up the windows first.'
--------
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Subject: English Weather
In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and the Royal Commission
For Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local
Climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'.
Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population,
It will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'.
In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite!
-----------
Sexual connotations -
The body builder takes off his shirt
and the blonde says,
"What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'
"What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and
the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes
back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why
she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was!'
--------
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without any warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
----------
When someone puts in for Child Support in Dallas, Texas, proper procedure
Requires finding out who the father is to determine why he is not providing
Support. The following are responses entered by
Dallas women on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing
fathers' details. These are actual excerpts from the forms.
Reviewers felt that number 11 was very good - it took a prize in their
Collective opinion, number 3 was runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by
Jim Nunson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I
Believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
Sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
With a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived
At a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met
That night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do
Manage to track down the father, can
You send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
That now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
You can contact BMW service stations in this area
And see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a
Letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and
That he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
So would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the
Economy. I am torn between doing right by you
And right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all dark skinned men look the same
To me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you catch up with him, can
You ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDS? Child B was also borned at the
Same time......well I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World,
Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
Sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
Have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
You eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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