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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 24.08.19 06:12z 204 Lines 6420 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7731_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 24/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IK1NHL<CX2SA<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190824/0600Z 7731@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Rain before seven, fine before eleven
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These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited
money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Dallas Cowboys tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly
dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he
catches cold.'
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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Pastor , and a Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette
. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and
to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a
bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said,
'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I
began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation.'
Pastor Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and- brimstone
oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't
sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So
I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill,
UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly
DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he
became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising
Jesus..Hallelujah!
The priest and the pastor both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."
--------
I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady,
two minutes later she said "will you sod off I'm trying to have a shit!!"
Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a
seatbelt
---------
A visitor to my home once noted that a wall clock in my living room has
The numbers the opposite way around the dial than normal and that the
Fingers of the clock go anti-clockwise. He said that he thought it was
Unusual. I told him, "Yes, it's an Irish clock". He said, " Isn't that
Rather a racist comment against the Irish?" To which I responded, "Not at
All, it clearly states on the bottom of the clock face, Made in Ireland"
-----
One man went into a shop to purchase a "Westminster chimes" clock. The
Shop assistant informed him, "This clock will keep going for 8 days
Without winding." To which the customer replied, "Oh yes, and how long will
It go for if I wind it up then".
--------
The Top 8 Reasons Your Dog Wants The Postman Dead
-------------------------------------------------
8. Paper boys are too young to have that natural gamey flavour.
7. He's too busy to play, too big to eat and too quick to hump, yet he
Comes back day after day, that wicked tease.
6. Those vaccination reminders from the vet don't deliver themselves, now
Do they?
5. It's a sport. What, you humans think you're the only ones who like to
Hunt?
4. Postman Steak, Postman Roast, Postman Top Sirloin, Postman Hamburger,
Postman Ribs....
3. The pea in his whistle is made from a dehydrated dog testicle.
2. The Grand Slam is mailman, plumber, landscaper and meter reader.
And the Number 1 Reason Your Dog Wants the Postman Dead...
1. Dead postman = 206 new bones to bury.
--------
President Trump calls the Head of the CIA and asks,
'how come the Jews know everything before we do?'
The CIA chief says, 'The Jews have this expression:
'Vus titzuch?'
The President says, 'What does that mean?'
'Well, Mr. President', replies the CIA chief, 'it's
A Yiddish expression which roughly translates to 'what's happening',
'They just ask each other and they know everything.'
The President decides to go undercover to determine if
This is true.
He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew, black hat, beard,
Long black coat, the whole schtick and is secretly flown
In an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked
Car , and dropped off in Crown Heights, Brooklyn's most
Jewish neighbourhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along.
The President stops him and whispers, 'Vus titzuch?'
The old guy whispers back: 'Trump is in Brooklyn '
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Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists, they did unspeakable
things to me................
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