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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 23.08.19 05:45z 281 Lines 9379 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7641_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 23/8
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JE7YGF<GB7CIP<GB7BEX<GB7YEW
Sent: 190823/0532Z 7641@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
What is it moulds the life of man? The weather
--------
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
___
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
---
Current Security Levels:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a
"Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
get the Bastards"
They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised
it's terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's
white flag factory,
effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy
has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of
their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron
of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats
in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one
more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come
and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be all right, mate".
Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to
cancel the Barbie this weekend"
and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted
use of the final escalation level.
--------
A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas.
The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection,
each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
* The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
* The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
* The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
* The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
* The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
* The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
* The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded
to have a new glass.
* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
* The Irishman ground the fly; mixed it in the champagne and then
donated it to the Englishman.
* The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in
compensation.
* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted: 'Now
spit out all that yer swallowed, yer bastard!'
---------
What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided
to have a baby.
They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother
artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital.
They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were
lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to
both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy babies
and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay
love!"
The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
------------ ---------
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
Avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
--------
A family was on its way to the hospital where the 16-year-old daughter was
scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager and her
parents talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during
the surgery?"
Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."
------
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St.
Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the
Cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to
Proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these
Proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning
The preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says,
"Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You
Gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely, I rate higher
Than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results.
When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people
Prayed."
----------
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going
To smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old
Lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he
Put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a
Big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the
Tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and
Throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the
Procedure, She burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are
Always working!
---------
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof
and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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