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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 22.08.19 05:47z 230 Lines 7835 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7597_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 22/8
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JE7YGF<N9PMO<GB7YEW
Sent: 190822/0543Z 7597@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If a cold August follows a hot July, it foretells a winter hard and dry
------
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
_
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
More tomorrow
-----
The Haircut
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that
you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies
of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and
there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
--------
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and
I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.
They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they
just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message
until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the
other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an
old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even
recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this
morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.........Well,
REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and
limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say
is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech
and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that
dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do
these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but
the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the
phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON
AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
==============
Todays laugh .... Cheer up things could be worse, so he cheered up
and sure enough things got worse ..
----------
If only life were like a computer... -
If you messed up your life, you could press Ctrl Z to undo a mistake.
When life seems frozen, just hit "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and reboot.
To get your daily exercise, just click on "Start/Run"!
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To add/remove someone in your life, click Settings and Control Panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you loose your car keys, click on "Find".
Need "Help" with the chores? Just click F1.
Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use a disk to
recover from a crash.
---------
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The
Horse's' trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember
With this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout,
'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that,
You'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The
Race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the
Trainer's' ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre
Of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear.
The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the centre of the
Jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do
It" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for
The rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes
Third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me-it's this silly horse. What is he
Deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf-he's BLIND!"
--------
Daily Thoughts
"Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by
Bus; they plan to call it mass transit."
~ Robert Tanner
"When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!"
~ Unknown
"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are
You going to drink that?"
~ Lisa Claymen
Reader's Story
When my niece was only 6, her mom was preparing for elective surgery as she had
decided that one boy and one girl was just right. After much consideration a
tubial ligation was decided on. Surgery was scheduled during the school day, my
young niece had to present a note alerting the teacher a new ride was coming
for her that day after school. Anxious to explain she blurted out to her
instructor, "My Mom is having her boobs tied!"
~ Chris
Last Laugh
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject
of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the
wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He
communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
-----
Sexual content -
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar.
The view was fantastic the beer excellent the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scotsman"I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the
landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that
when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman"At my local the Red lion the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's Murphy's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place
they'll buy you a drink then another all the drinks you like. Then
when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see
that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the
Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself personally no" said the Irishman. "But it did happen
to me sister on any number of occasions."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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