GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.08.19 06:35z 279 Lines 9624 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7572_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 21/8
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Sent: 190821/0623Z 7572@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Flowers close up before a storm
-----
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court word for word taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
more tomorrow ..........
_______
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap on her birthday. After she woke
Up she told her husband"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace
for my birthday. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening the man came home with a small package and gave it to his
wife. Delighted she opened it ... only to find a book entitled:
"The meaning of dreams".
-----
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like well night.
Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right there's a 909robability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to
end some one would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
If the shoe fits get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Family Relationships
--------------------
I ran short of money while visiting my brother and borrowed £50 from him.
After my return homeI wrote him a short letter every few weeks enclosing
a £5 cheque in each one. He called me up and told me how much he enjoyed
the letters regardless of the moneyI had never written regularly before.
Eventually I sent off a letter and the last five-pound cheque.
In my mail box the next week I found an envelope from my brother. Inside
was another £50.
Phone
-----
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to
answer it she tripped on a rug grabbed for something to hold on to and
seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash jarring the receiver
off the hook.
As it fell it hit the family dog which leaped up howling and barking.
The woman's three-year-old son startled by this noise broke into loud
screams. The woman mumbled some choice words. She finally managed to
pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear just in time to hear her husband's
voice on the other end say "Nobody's said hello yet but it certainly
sounds as if I have the right number."
Morris an 82 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later
the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said 'You're
really doing great aren't you?' Morris replied'Just doing what you said Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said'I didn't say that. I said
'You've got a heart murmur be careful.'
-------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly
Painfully up onto a stool.. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly' Crushed nuts?' 'No' he replied' Arthritis.'
-----------
I canâ€Öt vouch for the authenticity all of these but some are
certainly true.
In George Washington's days there were no cameras. One's image was
either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington
showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back
while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by
painters were not based on how many people were to
be painted but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs
are 'limbs' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.
Hence the expression 'Okay but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'
(Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint)
*******
As incredible as it sounds men and women took baths only twice a
year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered while men
shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs.
Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool.
They couldn't wash the wigs so to clean them they would carve out a
loaf of bread put the wig in the shell and bake it for 30 minutes.
The heat would make the wig big and fluffy hence the term 'big wig.'
Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because
someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
*******
In the late 1700's many houses consisted of a large room with only
one chair.
Commonly a long wide board folded down from the wall and was used
for dining.
The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone
else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest who was usually a
man would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the
chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one
sitting in the chair the 'chairman.' Today in businesswe use the
expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board..'
*******
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result many
women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would
spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions.
When they were speaking to each other if a woman began to stare at
another woman's face she was told 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should
the woman smile the wax would crack hence the term 'crack a smile'.
In addition when they sat too close to the fire the wax would melt...
Thereforethe expression 'losing face.'
*******
Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front. A proper and
dignified woman as in 'straight laced'… Wore a tightly tied lace.
*******
Common entertainment included playing cards. However there was a tax
levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of
Spades.' To avoid paying the tax people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet since most games require 52 cards these people were thought to be stupid or
dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'
*******
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what
the people considered important. Since there were no telephonesTV's
or radios the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns pubs and bars.
They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and
political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You
go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually
combined when referring to the local opinion and thus we have the term 'gossip.'
*******
At local taverns pubs and bars people drank from pint and quart-
sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and
keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was
drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts' hence the term minding your
'P's and 'Q's
*******
In the heyday of sailing shipsall war ships and many freighters
carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was
necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. Howeverhow to prevent
them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a
square-based pyramid with one ball on top resting on four resting on ninewhich
rested on sixteen. Thus a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a
small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from
sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called
a 'Monkey' with 16 round indentations.
Howeverif this plate were made of iron the iron balls would
quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.'
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
than iron when chilled.
Consequentlywhen the temperature dropped too far the brass indentations would
shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus
it was quite literally 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'
(All this timeyou thought that was an improper expressiondidn't you.)
sexual content
--------
MORNING SEX
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for
breakfast wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly'
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought' I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her and then
gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said' Thanks' and returned to the stove her '
T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled I asked' What was that all about?'
She explained' The egg timer's broken.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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