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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 20.08.19 06:13z 223 Lines 7882 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7524_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 20/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<ZL2BAU<N9PMO<WH6FQE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190820/0606Z 7524@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Moss dry sunny sky moss we train you'll get
---------
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
more tomorrow
-----------------
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent鈥謘 Hospital for heart surgery but prior
to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood it couldn't be found locally so the call
went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated
his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood a
new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood
again.
After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar
of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture
as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again that you
would give me a BMW, diamonds & money.. But you only gave me a thank-you card
& a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".__
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PONDERISMS
路 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
路 Gardening Rule: When weeding the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily it is a
valuable plant.
路 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
路 Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
路 There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
路 Life is sexually transmitted.
路 Health is merely the slowest possible rate a which one can die.
路 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
路 Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
路 Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
路 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
路 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
路 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
路 In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.
路 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize
that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
路 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to
start a campfire?
路 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
路 If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme junk why didn't he
just buy dinner?
路 If quizzes are quizzical what are tests?
路 If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables then what
is baby oil made from?
路 If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?
路 Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you but
when you take him on a car ride e sticks his head out the window?
路 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
路 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
路 Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Sexual -
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't
want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had
some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour if she would
please follow him to school in the mornings staying at a distance so he probably
wouldn't notice her.
She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway it would be a
good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.
The next school day the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind
Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did
this for the whole week.
As the two walked and chatted kicking stones and twigs Timmy's little friend
noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all
week. Finally she said to Timmy 'Have you noticed that lady following us to
school all week? Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied 'YeahI know who she is.'
The little girl said 'Well who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest' Timmy replied 'and her daughter Marcy.'
'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?'
'Well' Timmy explained 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm
with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm it says'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the
days of my life 'so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived examined
the baby checked his weight and being a little concerned asked if the
baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples then pressed kneaded and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed he said "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any
milk."
"I know" she said"I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came."
--------
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty-two wore very tight miniskirts and generally was
bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.
WellI was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said "I'm going up
stairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling just come up and
get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me. I stood there for a moment then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards
my car.
Lo and behold my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!
With tears in his eyesmy future father-in-law hugged me and said "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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