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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 18.08.19 05:25z 312 Lines 6632 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7429_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 18/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<GB7CIP<
ZS0MEE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190818/0519Z 7429@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Dust rising in dry weather is a sign of approaching change
-------
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
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"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to have
to get a toehold in the public eye."
-
Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland .
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's
milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many
goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
-----------
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head:
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm
and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Please bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's unusual
To Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you.
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail in-box
And each person who hits 'send'.
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.com
Amen
---------
Explaining Politics
I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.
And thus, began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date.
.............................
This is something we should all read at least once a
week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain
Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons
life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column
once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends
and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea
what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't
worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the
second one is up to you and no one else
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't
take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy
lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24.. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five
years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of
anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,
we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
.............................
Sexual content -
Daffy duck on a dirty weekend, calls reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says “Shall I put them on your bill?”
Daffy replies...
Dont be thucking thupid Id thufficate
------
A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped to shake
the minister's hand. He said, 'Minister, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!'
The minister said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand
pounds in the offering plate!'
The minister said, 'No shit?'
73 de Dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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