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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 16.08.19 05:45z 219 Lines 6171 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7349_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 16/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0EEO<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<ZL2BAU<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190816/0540Z 7349@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Flowers close up before a storm
-----
The reason computer chips are so small is computers
don't eat much.
-------
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on
the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll
burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not
stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
-----
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
----
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap on her birthday. After she woke
up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace
for my birthday. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his
wife. Delighted, she opened it ... only to find a book entitled:
"The meaning of dreams".
-----
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 909robability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by
those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Family Relationships
--------------------
I ran short of money while visiting my brother, and borrowed £50 from him.
After my return home, I wrote him a short letter every few weeks, enclosing
a £5 cheque in each one. He called me up and told me how much he enjoyed
the letters, regardless of the money; I had never written regularly before.
Eventually I sent off a letter and the last five-pound cheque.
In my mail box the next week I found an envelope from my brother. Inside
was another £50.
Phone
-----
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to
answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and
seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver
off the hook.
As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and barking.
The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud
screams. The woman mumbled some choice words. She finally managed
to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's
voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but it certainly
sounds as if I have the right number."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later,
the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his
arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really
doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot
mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur; be careful.'
-------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,
painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Sexual -
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only 20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter,
'I'll take one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the
instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the
instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow
the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise ...
Nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset
at this point She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom
of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please
call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes
him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just sits there!'
The man ... Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly
into its eyes' and sternly says:
'LISTEN TO ME...
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE MORE TIME!'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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