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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 14.08.19 05:43z 243 Lines 7064 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 7266_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 14/8
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<GB7BEX<GB7YEW
Sent: 190814/0540Z 7266@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
What is it moulds the life of man? The weather
-----
WHAT CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...... but maybe would have, if he had thought a bit more!
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired... Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
--------------
Flying
------
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mum, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the
Ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground
When it's the pilot's time to go."
Checkup
-------
Yesterday, I went for a check-up and, concluding his exam, the doctor told
Me, "I find very little wrong with you. You are in surprisingly good health
Despite your age and being being quite overweight. My advice to you is
This: If you want to stay healthy, give up those posh dinners for two -
Unless you have someone to share them with."
Newly Discovered Parchment
--------------------------
This parchment just unearthed in a 1902 time capsule found in the grounds
Of Farquar Manor, Kent.
"Please pass this parchment to your fellow gentlemen via royal mail postal
Service or messenger. What follows is a amusing and humorous account of
Living in the modern age in the year of our Lord 1902.
You know you are living in 1902 when:
1) Your chimney sweep is over the age of ten because of new fangled child
Labour laws.
2) You no longer play your pianissimo in the evenings as your right arm is
Weary from winding up the gramophone record player.
3) Working class people are allowed jobs in the same company as you.
4) You have twenty types of hat in your wardrobe, one for every occasion.
5) It is no longer illegal to shoot a Frenchman on sight.
6) You exchange your pony and trap for a one of those new motorcars and
Find that it is slower because the man with the red flag can only walk so
Fast.
7) You've seen a woman's ankle and not been obliged to marry her
Afterwards.
8) You feel nostalgic when you see toy soldiers with bright red tunics.
9) As you read this you nod and smile and then make a list of all your
Friends to send this to, passing instructions to your valet to inscribe it
And send it to them.
Senior Golfers
--------------
There were four 80-year old men playing golf.
One complained the hills were too high.
The second complained the bunkers were too deep.
The third said the holes were too wide.
The fourth one said, "Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of
The grass!"
Family Friendly
---------------
I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was
baffled when I read this email from the personnel department: "All
employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under
the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no
children may bring grandchildren."
--------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
Avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
Feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
------
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
----------
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going
To smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old
Lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he
Put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a
Big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the
Tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and
Throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the
Procedure, She burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are
Always working!
---------
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly
contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto
the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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