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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 26.07.19 05:52z 280 Lines 8608 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 6220_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 26/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190726/0545Z 6220@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The higher the clouds the better the weather
----
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
(1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
(2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
(3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always
be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the
task totally impossible.
----
Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the double lock will keep; May
no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I wake.
----
One of my husband's duties
as a novice drill instructor
at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to
escort new recruits to the mess
hall. After everyone had made
it through the chow line, he
sat them down and told them, "There
are three rules in this mess hall:
Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's
attention, he asked, "What is the first
rule?" Much to the amusement of the other
instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison,
"Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
------
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
And take appropriate action
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push! Push! Push!
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
Come to the right place
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff
**************************
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
And get fed up
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills
**********************
Sign on the back of a septic Tank TrucK..
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
--------
A group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about
to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through
a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down
off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didnâ€Öt want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss
this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump,
Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that …
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even
better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from
his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! Thatâ€Ös a real talent
you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??
.............................
Doctor's Orders
---------------
On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a
patent's' condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favourite
Golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play
Golf again unless you follow my orders exactly." The doctor then began
Listing orders:
(1) You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes
Followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first.
(2) He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every
Fifteen minutes for eight hours.
(3) He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every
Twenty-five minutes and must void between.
(4) Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten
Minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day.
(5) Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and
Foot rub every hour.
(6) Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he
Asks at all times.
(7) Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes.
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal
Properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted
By anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what
The doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly
Reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new
Sport."
The Game
--------
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players,
"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at
First, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all
That?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother!"
Bets
----
I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets.
That's how I lost my mind.
--------
Enjoy your English while you can.... Brexit may change this
The European Commission
has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the
European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.
Needless to say (I'm saying it anyway!), my "spell
checker" blew a fuse on this one!
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan
that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should
klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".
This will make words like fotograf 20<horter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan
be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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