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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 25.07.19 06:28z 252 Lines 7824 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 6172_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 25/7
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JE7YGF<N9PMO<VE3UIL<VA7RBP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190725/0620Z 6172@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Smokes from chimneys go straight up - the weather will be good
----
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:
Q: Are you married? A: No, I'm divorced. Q: And what did your husband
do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
------
Egotist, n.:
A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
---
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
---
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 508f the vote.
In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
-- The Washington Post
-------
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip
under pressure.
---
Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
Kirk: Then it's of external origin?
Spock: Affirmative.
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
---
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
---
A taxpayer received a strongly worded
"second notice" that his taxes were
overdue. Hastening to the collector's
office, he paid his bill, saying
apologetically that he had overlooked
the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a
smile, "we don't send out first
notices. We have found that the
second notices are more effective."
------
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's
Certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began
To rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly
There emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting
Aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a
Drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned
Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've
Had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that,
She reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve
Or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one,
Lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man,
"that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "And
How long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whisky?"
Asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing
That, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there
And removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a
Long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly
Fantastic!!!" At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip
The long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
Trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
Around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and
Sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there
Too!"
------
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one
Morning at four forty four AM by his ringing telephone. . .
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said his angry
Neighbour.
Bernard thanked the caller politely.
The next morning at precisely four forty four AM Bernard called
His neighbour back . . .
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't
*have* a dog."
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11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and
Get back to you when they are good and ready.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a
Contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats
Will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.
Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take
A three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have
Their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home
From work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk
And walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats
Will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make
You pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you
Were born.
-------------
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally,
The guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
Act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
Makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
Don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
Such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
----------------
Sexual -
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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