GM3YEW > HUMOUR 04.02.19 05:16z 213 Lines 6667 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 26576_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 14/1
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<ED1ZAC<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190114/0708Z 26576@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The moon is pale - it will rain soon
----
Snow
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet.
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark?
Frost bite.
How do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimow.
What bird can write under the Arctic Ocean?
A ball-point pen-guin.
What's an ig ?
An Eskimo's home without a loo.
What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
What's ice?
Skid stuff.
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank.
-------
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment it is worth reflecting on the death of a very
important person which almost went un-noticed last week.
Larry La Prise the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully
at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in......and then the trouble started.
Bizarre Space Facts
-------------------
If the Sun stopped producing energy today we wouldn't know about it for
ten million years.
On a clear night in the autumn you can see two million years back in time.
The first living creature to orbit the Earth was a dog called Laika.
People in space are up to 5 centimetres taller than they are on Earth.
Without the effect of gravity pressing them down their vertebrae (sections
of their spine) move a little further apart.
The footprints that Neil Armstrong and the other astronauts left on the
surface of the Moon will still be there in a million years' time.
Jupiter is so big you could fit the Earth inside it 1300 times over.
On the Sun a person would be as heavy as an elephant is on Earth. The Sun
is 330000 times more massive than the Earth so its gravity is very
strong.
PARIS - The European Space Agency has engaged a team of France's leading
chefs to create haute cuisine suitable for space. Quails swordfish and
duck are among the delicacies that were put together at the catering school
in southwest France run by top chef Alain Ducasse The Times of London
reports. Ducasse who has earned 14 Michelin stars was asked to produce
outstanding examples of French cuisine that could be canned and then
reheated in the International Space Station's oven. His team came up with a
three-course menu that included quails in Madeira wines and carrots in
orange and coriander and semolina cake with dried apricots. Their creations
were transported to the space station by an unmanned Russian cargo ship and
sampled by the astronauts. A spokesman for the space agency
explained that taste buds are dulled in space making even standard fare
less tasty than it would be on Earth.
=======
Heard (allegedly) on a London talk radio programme:
"We've just received a text message stating that Ena Smith of Southgate is 111.
Well please accept our congratulations Ena!"
(Ten seconds later) "Sorry the message actually stated that Mrs Smith is ill .."
===========
At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age.
"You must have some idea" she urged when he hesitated.
"I have a couple ideas" he admitted with a smile. "The trouble is that I
don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or
ten years older because of your intelligence."
--------------------
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand and the
data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft
report stated that a farmer had lost 2025 pigs. Thinking that to be an
error the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. Smith that you lost 2025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth" lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows
and 25 pigs."
Winter
------
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it
was in the summer when they complained about the heat.
Panda
-----
A panda walks into a busy restaurant sits down and orders a meal. After
he's finished eating he pulls out a gun and starts shooting at everyone.
People are screaming and ducking and everyone is terrified for their
lives. The owner of the restaurant comes over to the panda and tells him to
stop. The panda looks at him and says "I'm a panda. That's what I do. Look
it up in the encyclopedia." And with that he turns and walks out. The owner
goes and gets an encyclopedia and looks up "panda". Beside it he finds the
description:
"Native of China. Large furry mammal. Eats shoots and leaves."
--------
Is this Tippex correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese todayand it said on the packet 'Best
before end'
So I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"
I said "No just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said "Can someone sell me a kettle?"
The bloke said "Kenwood?"
I said "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said" Do you want an aquarium?"
I said "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember
his nameit's P something T something R.
I was reading this book todayThe History Of Glue and I couldn't put it
down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said "No this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said"I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said "No it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said "Are you having me on?"
I said "Well I'll give you an auditionbut I'm not promising you
anything."
I phoned the local builders today I said to them "Can I have a skip outside
my house?"
He said "I'm not stopping you!"
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he shouts "Audi!"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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