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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 24.07.19 08:13z 239 Lines 8277 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 6139_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 24/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<OK2PEN<LU9DCE<N7HPX<WH6FQE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190724/0806Z 6139@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A rolling stone gathers no moss
---------
The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able
to correct them.
-- Nicolaides
---
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
-- Adlai Stevenson
----
A "paraprosdokian"
Ø We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
-----------
miracle of childbirth
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men
could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before
Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot
photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell
you about the time I twisted my ankle
playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you
have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like
a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just
relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds
me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze
class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not
using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like
there's another one in there.
---------
The Physics Exam
----------------
During an oral exam a professor stated: "Describe how to determine the
Height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One student replied:"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the
Barometer then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the
Ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will
Equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was
Failed.
The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably
Correct and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the
Case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct but did not display
Any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided
To call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a
Verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic
Principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence forehead creased in thought.
The arbiter reminded him that time was running out to which the student
Replied that he had several extremely relevant answers but couldn't make
Up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"firstly you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper Drop it over
The edge and measure the time it takes to reach the ground.
The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula
H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer Then set it on
End and measure the length of its shadow.Then you measure
The length of the skyscraper's shadow and thereafter it is a simple matter
Of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it you could tie a short
Piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum first at
Ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked
Out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force
T = 2 pi sq.root (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase it would be
Easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer
Lengths then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it of course you
Could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the
Skyscraper and on the ground and convert the difference in millibars into
Feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of
Mind and apply scientific methods undoubtedly the best way would be to
Knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new
Barometer I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this
Skyscraper.'"
He passed.
-------------
No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married
As childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they
Retired.. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked so
They entered and found the old desk they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you Sally.'
On their way back home a bag of money fell out of an armoured car practically
Landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and not sure what to do with it they
Took it home. There she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said'
We've got to give it back.'
Sally said' Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the
Money and knocked on their door. 'Pardon me did either of you find a bag that fell
Out of an armoured car yesterday?'
Sally said 'No'.
Andy said' She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said 'Don't believe him he's getting senile'
The cops turned to Andy and began to question him. One said :'Tell us the story from the beginning.'
Andy said 'Well when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .....'
The first police officer turned to his partner and said 'We're outta here!'
-----------
Irish Confessional
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array
Of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "father forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been
To confession but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than
it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
-------------
sexual
------------
On their wedding nightthe young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each
time they made love for the next 30 years with him thinking that it was
a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she
needed.
Arriving home around noon one day she was surprised to find her husband
in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing and he
had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55 he'd be able to
find work.
Calmly his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of
deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him
certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $3
million.
She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex these
holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and
investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3
Million her husband was so astounded he could barely speak but finally
he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were
Doing I would have given you all my business!"
THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM! You know sometimes men just don't know when to
keep their mouths shut...............
------
It's no joke - wether it's true or not it's a heart rending story .....
--------
What does a Glasgow girl use as protection during sex? A bus shelter.
What do you call a 30 year old Glasgow girl? Granny.
What do you call a Glasgow girl in a white track suit? The bride.
What's the most confusing day in Glasgow? Fathers Day.
What's the first question on a quiz night in Glasgow? Whit ur you lookin' at?
Nintendo have brought out two special games for the parents of disobedient Scottish children.
Wii Shite and Wii Bastard will be available in shops from Monday.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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