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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 23.07.19 06:24z 333 Lines 10932 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 6078_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 23/7
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JE7YGF<N9PMO<WH6FQE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190723/0618Z 6078@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Great oaks from little acorns grow
-----------
"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up with
a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always came up with
when enormous women asked him stupid questions at parties.
-- Dave Barry,
----
Line Printer & Toilet paper is strongest at the perforations.
-----
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
---
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a
hillbilly's wife went into labour in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was
called out to assist in the delivery. Since
there was no electricity, the doctor handed
the father-to-be a lantern and said,
"Here. You hold this high so I can see
what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought
into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in
such a rush to put that lantern down. I think
there's another one coming." Sure enough, within
minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold
that lantern up, don't set it down there's
another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that
lantern, it seems there's yet another one
coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment,
and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be
the light that's attractin' 'em?
--------
A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence
or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener
to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or
dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is
extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
----------
Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. One night I took a fare at
2:30 am, when I arrived to collect, the building
Was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these
Circumstances, many drivers would just honk once.
But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their
Only means of transportation.. Unless a situation
Smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be
Someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.
So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail,
Elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across
The floor.
After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before
Me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat
With a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one
Had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered
With sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the
Counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with
Photos and glassware.
'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to
The cab, then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just
Try to treat my passengers the way I would want my
Mother treated'.
'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me
An address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'.
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have
Any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I
Don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the
Building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighbourhood where she and her husband had lived when
They were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a
Furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone
Dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner
And would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm
Tired. Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low
Building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that
Passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were
Solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must
Have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door The woman was
Already seated in a wheelchair.
'How much do I owe you?' she asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said.
'You have to make a living,' she answered.
'There are other passengers,' I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent
And gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind
Me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in
Thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.
What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to
End his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven
Away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important
in my life.
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others
may consider a small one.
PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT 'YOU DID, OR
WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT~THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW
YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
You won't get any big surprise in 10 days if you send this to ten people.
But, you might help make the world a little kinder and
more compassionate by sending it on.
Thank you, my friend...
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as
well dance.
----------
HOLY HUMOUR
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before
Leaving Earth.'
======
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part
of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments!! "
answered the lady.
=======
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world..There are those who wake up
in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord ," and there are those who wake up in the morning and
say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
=======
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time
and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that
read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us
our trespasses.
" When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled
this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
=======
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I
have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new
building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
=======
A teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you
know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
=======
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The
attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about
the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The
minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.."
=======
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention.
=======
The parish priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation
to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been
brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the
service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances." During the service, the parish priest paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up!"
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem"
and that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
========
Give me a sense of humour, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humour out of life, And
pass it on to other folk.
-------
Sexual
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
recognizes him as real Rugby player.
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his
leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his
penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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