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GM3YEW > HUMOUR   23.07.19 06:24z 333 Lines 10932 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 6078_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 23/7
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JE7YGF<N9PMO<WH6FQE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190723/0618Z 6078@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18

 
 
As Grandmother used to say 
 Great oaks from little acorns grow
-----------
 
"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up with
a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always came up with
when enormous women asked him stupid questions at parties.
  -- Dave Barry,
 
----
 
Line Printer & Toilet paper is strongest at the perforations.
 
-----
 
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
  -- Samuel Goldwyn
 
---
 

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a 
hillbilly's wife went into labour in the 
middle of the night, and the doctor was 
called out to assist in the delivery. Since 
there was no electricity, the doctor handed 
the father-to-be a lantern and said, 
"Here. You hold this high so I can see 
what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought 
into the world.
 
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in 
such a rush to put that lantern down. I think 
there's another one coming." Sure enough, within 
minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold 
that lantern up, don't set it down there's 
another one!" said the doctor.
 
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
 
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that 
lantern, it seems there's yet another one 
coming!" cried the doctor.
 
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, 
and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be 
the light that's attractin' 'em?
 

 
--------
 
 
A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence 
or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener 
to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or 
dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is 
extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
 
 
 
Ø  The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

 ----------

Twenty  years ago, I drove a cab for a living.  One night I took  a fare at
2:30  am, when I arrived  to collect,   the building
Was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these
Circumstances, many drivers would just honk once.
 
But I had seen  too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their
Only means of  transportation.. Unless a situation
Smelled of danger, I always went to the  door. This passenger might be
Someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to  myself.
 
So I walked to  the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail,
Elderly voice. I  could hear something being dragged across
The floor.
 
After a long  pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before
Me. She was  wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat
With a veil pinned on it, like  somebody out of a 1940's movie.
 
By her side  was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one
Had lived in  it for years. All the furniture was covered
With sheets.
 
There were no  clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the
Counters. In the  corner was a cardboard box filled with
Photos and glassware.
 
'Would you  carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to
The cab, then  returned to assist the woman.
 
She took my  arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
 
She kept  thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just
Try to  treat my passengers the way I would want my
Mother treated'.
 
'Oh, you're  such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me
An address,  and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
 
'It's not the  shortest way,' I answered quickly.
 
'Oh, I don't  mind,' she said 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'.
 
I looked in  the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have
Any family  left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I
Don't have very long.' I quietly  reached over and shut off the meter.
 
'What route  would you like me to take?' I asked.
 
For the next  two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the
Building where she  had once worked as an elevator operator.
 
We drove  through the neighbourhood where she and her husband had lived when
They were  newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a
Furniture warehouse that had  once been a ballroom where she had gone
Dancing as a girl.
 
Sometimes  she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner
And would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
 
As the first  hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm
Tired. Let's  go now'.
 
We drove in  silence to the address she had given me.  It was a low
Building, like a  small convalescent home, with a driveway that
Passed under a portico.
 
Two orderlies  came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were
Solicitous and  intent, watching her every move. They must
Have been expecting her.
 
I opened the  trunk and took the small suitcase to the door The woman was
Already seated in a wheelchair.
 
'How much do I  owe you?' she asked, reaching into her purse.
 
'Nothing,' I  said.
 
'You have to  make a living,' she answered.
 
'There are other passengers,' I responded.  Almost without thinking, I bent
And gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
 
'You gave an  old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank  you.'
 
I squeezed her  hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind
Me, a door shut. It  was the sound of the closing of a life.
 
I didn't pick  up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in
Thought. For  the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.
What if that woman had gotten an  angry driver, or one who was impatient to
End his shift?
 
What if I had  refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven
Away?
 
On a quick  review, I don't think that I have done anything more important
in my  life.
 
We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
 
But great  moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others
may  consider a small one.
 
PEOPLE MAY NOT  REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT 'YOU DID, OR 
WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT~THEY WILL ALWAYS  REMEMBER HOW 
YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
 
You won't get  any big surprise in 10 days if you send this to ten people.
But, you might  help make the world a little kinder and
more compassionate by sending it  on.
 
Thank you, my  friend...
 
Life may not  be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as
well dance.
 
----------

HOLY HUMOUR 
 
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" 
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?      
The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" 
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before 
Leaving Earth.' 
 
======
 
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part 
of the country. 
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments!! " 
answered the lady. 
 
=======
 
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world..There are those who wake up 
in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord ," and there are those who wake up in the morning and 
say, "Good Lord, it's morning." 
 
=======
 
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time 
and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that 
read: 
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us 
our trespasses.
" When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled 
this block for 10 years. 
If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." 
 
=======
 
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I 
have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new 
building program. 
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." 
 
=======
 
A teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" 
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.  "Really? How do you 
know?" the teacher asked. 
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " 
 
=======
 
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The 
attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant 
motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about 
the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The 
minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.." 
 
=======
 
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the centre of attention. 
 
=======
 
The parish priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation 
to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. 
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been 
brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the 
service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the 
announcement about the finances." During the service, the parish priest paused and said, 
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we 
expected and we need $4,000 more. 
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up!"  
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The National Anthem" 
and that is how the substitute became the regular organist! 
 
========
 
Give me a sense of humour, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humour out of life, And 
pass it on to other folk. 
 
-------
Sexual
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady 
 
recognizes him as real Rugby player. 
 
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.  
 
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. 
 
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.  
 
"What's that for?" the lady questions.  
 
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, 
 
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."  
 
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his 
 
leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.  
 
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.  
 
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid 
 
when this tattoo is seen on TV."  
 
Then the man drops his underwear and on his 
 
penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.  
 
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
  
 
The man  replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down, 
 
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"
  

 
 

  73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
  
 




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