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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 22.07.19 05:47z 279 Lines 6789 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 6036_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 22/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0EEO<DB0GOS<ON0AR<VE2PKT<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190722/0542Z 6036@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Evening gray and morning red, put on your hat or you'll wet your head
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Computer Truths - Real Engineers never use the Help key.
----
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Johnson's Corollary:
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
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He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks
democracy itself.
-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
---
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing
suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
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A blonde calls the Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from
San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
'Any idea where we are?'
Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high -
tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's
father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in
favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10
percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead
and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well
he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued
to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had
experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
________________________________
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
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Minor sexual content
Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine.
They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert 2 and push knob in'.
-------
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
------
I boarded a flight at Melbourne for Sacramento and, taking my seat as
I settled in, I noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
I realised she was heading straight toward my seat and bingo – she took
the seat right beside me.
"Hello", I blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen
sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded.. "I use my experience to debunk some popular
myths about sexuality."
"Really", I smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
“Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the
best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she
said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even
know your name!"
"Tonto," I said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol
That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,
He asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
Passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
Have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed
And again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
Hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
Afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
Head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only
Have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
Trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you
Don't.....'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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