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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 21.07.19 07:13z 359 Lines 10869 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 5956_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 21/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<N7HPX<WH6FQE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190721/0710Z 5956@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Pale moon rains, red wind blows
-------
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around
the Sun.
--
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
---
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the end
of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I can't find
it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why would he lie about
a thing like that?
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
----
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a
couple of days off to visit the coast
for some sightseeing. He was cruising
along the beach when there was a frantic
commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing a New York Yankee
jersey, was struggling frantically to
free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat
came racing up with three men wearing Boston
Red Sox jerseys aboard.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's
side. The other two reached out and pulled
the bleeding, semi-conscious Yankee fan
from the water.
Then using autographed Curt Schilling baseball
bats, the three Boston heroes beat the shark
to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned
them to the beach. "I give you my blessing
for your brave actions," he told them. "I
had heard that there was some bitter hatred
between Red Sox and Yankee fans, but now I
have seen with my own eyes that this is not
the truth."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked
his buddies "Who was that?"
"The Pope," one replied. "He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all of
God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "He may have
access to God's wisdom but he doesn't know
squat about shark fishing. How's the bait
holding up?"
-----------
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for
"BearRemovers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles
and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him
in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
----------
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinaman, are hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand.
He said to the Italian, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he said, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'
To the Chinaman, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then said, 'I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a
dent in that pile of sand.'
When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was untouched.
He asked the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replied, 'I hava no broom. You saida to the China fella he wasa ina
charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, 'And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replied, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get meself a
shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but ah couldna fin'
him either.'
The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to look
for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled,
'SUPPLIES!!!'
-------------
IT vs. Management
A woman in a hot air balloon realizing she was lost reduced altitude
and spotted a man below. She descended further and shouted to the
man "Excuse me can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet
her an hour ago but I don't know where I am"
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in IT" said the balloonist.
"Actually I am" replied the man "How did you know?"
"Well" answered the balloonist"everything you have told me is technically
correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm
still lost. Frankly you've not been much help at all. If anything you've delayed
my trip."
The man below responded "You must be in Management."
"I am" replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"
"Well" said the man"you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position
you were in before we met but now somehow it's my fault!!!!!! "
-------------
Girls
-----
These two girlfriends are very close allowing them to be totally honest
With each other.
As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date she
Remarked"I'm fat."
"No you're not" the other scolded.
"My hair is awful."
"It's lovely."
"I've never looked worse" she whined.
"Yes you have" her friend replied.
Fishing
-------
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught
More fish than anyone else whereas the other guys would only catch three
Or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer
After stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden curious
Asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game
Warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the
Dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake
Sam stopped the boat and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite lit it and
Threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that
Dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started
Scooping them up. Well you can imagine the reaction of the game warden.
When he recovered from the shock of it all he began yelling at Sam. "You
Can't do this! I'll put you in jail buddy! You will be paying every fine
There is in the book!"
Sam meanwhile set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He
Lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words"Are you
Going to sit there all day complaining or are you going to fish?"
To Catch A Thief
----------------
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church
Services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
Act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may
Be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the
Officer cuffed the man to take him in he asked the burglar"Why did you
Just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Axe and Two 38's!"
----------------
Bizarre Facts About Coke
------------------------
[You would think that after reading these facts I would think twice about
Drinking coke but I am opening a can as we speak!]
* In many U.S. States the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the
Trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
* You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two
Days.
* You can rub a car bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap
Aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola to remove rust spots.
* Pouring a can of Coca-Cola over a car battery terminal will bubble away
Corrosion.
* Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several
Minutes will loosen it.
* You can empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes add detergent And run
through a regular cycle. The Coca- Cola will help loosen grease Stains. It will also
clean road haze from your windshield.
* The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its Ph is 2.8. It will
Dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
* To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use
The Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
* The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their
Trucks for about 20 years.
Drink up!!!
---------
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad
that his son was born without torso arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad
loves his son and raises him as well as he can with love and compassion.
After 21 years the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar
tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest strongest drink for
his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
head in disbelief the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent then bursts into whoops of joy.
The father shocked begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in
Dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father crying and wailing begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and
goes back to polishing glasses shaking his head clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy but with his new hands he reaches down grabs his drink and
guzzles the last of it.. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs
and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door into the street where
a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says*
*
(Wait for it)
*
* (Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
'He should've quit while he was a head.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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