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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 16.07.19 06:13z 249 Lines 6559 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 5617_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 16/7
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<VE2PKT<N9PMO<WH6FQE<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190716/0608Z 5617@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Evening gray and morning red, put on your hat or you'll wet your head
----
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
----
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
----
How many Irishmen does it take
to replace a light bulb?
30,
2 to hold the light bulb and
28 to drink till the room starts spinning.
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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise God appeared
and said"I want the men to make two lines. One Line for the men who were true
heads of their household and the Other line for the men who were dominated by their
women. I want All the women to report to St Peter." soon the women were gone
and there were two lines Of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their
wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household
there was only one man.
God said "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created You to be the head of
your household. You have been disobedient And not fulfilled your purpose. I told you
to be the spiritual Leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him!
Tell Them my son how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied "I don't know my wife told me to stand here."
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There were three girls marooned
on an island, a red head a brunette
& a blonde.
They didn't know what to do except
to swim to the other island and get
help. The nearest island was 20
miles away.
The red head went first. She swam 15
miles and got tired, and drowned.
So the brunette went next. She swam 17
miles, got too tired and she drowned also.
So the blonde went. She swam 19 miles,
got too tired and swam back.
------
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
----
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
'Any idea where we are?'
Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
-----------
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high -
tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent
was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead
and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel
quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced
none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
________________________________
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO
OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
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Minor sexual content
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol
That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears,
He asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made
Passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
Have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed
And again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
Hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Please? Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then
Afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
Head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only
Have four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not
Trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you
Don't.....'
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
Of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
For your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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