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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.02.19 16:26z 200 Lines 7051 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: Jokes 13/1
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As Grandmother used to say
Clouds are low - the weather will worsen
--------
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a
few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that
called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of
the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's
called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the
other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'
-----------------
Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly
drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's
best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will.
The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars'
worth. In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will:
"Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were such a good
friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand,
there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know
you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what
you want to her and take the rest for yourself."
Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with
Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow.
The rest he is retaining for himself.
The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage
and then *this*? It can't be!"
So the family sues.
Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge
gives his verdict:
"To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money.
The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased."
Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound.
"Your honour, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear:
'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the
lion's share! What gives?"
The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life.
He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his
family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread
his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are."
"So with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, 'Give what you want
to her and keep the rest for yourself.'"
"No. What Sam said was, 'Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for
yourself.'"
-----
A rich man walks into the president's office at a small but prestigious
university and announces he'd like to donate several million dollars to the
institution.
"Why, that's very generous of you," says the president.
"But there is one condition," replies the rich man. "I'd like an honorary
degree bestowed."
"That's no problem," says the president, "no problem at all."
"I haven't finished," cautions the rich man. "I want an honorary degree for
my horse."
The president gulps and says, "Your horse??"
"Yup, you bet," says the rich man. "She carried me for many a year and I
owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr. D. -- a Doctor of
Transportation degree."
"But, but, but," protests the president, "we can't give a degree to a
*horse,* what will people think?"
"I thought you might say that. Well, I'll just take my donation to another
educational institution."
Seeing the millions slip through his fingers, the president says, "Wait,
wait. Let me consult with the trustees."
A hurried trustee meeting was called and the president relays the details
of the deal. All of the board except the oldest member reacted with shock
and dismay. The oldest trustee almost appeared to sleep through the
meeting. After all the arguments were made, this one old man says, "take
the money and give the horse the degree."
The president says, "What? Don't you think that would disgrace the
university?"
"Of course not," the old trustee counters. "Doing this would be an honour
and a feather in our cap. It would be the first time we ever gave an
honorary degree to the ENTIRE horse."
---------
WORD for YOUR WEEK: While we're on the subject of horses, the Spanish have
passed on a couple of words to us from Old Latin. The word "lazo," which
means trap or noose, we know as the word "lasso." And a "lariat" is a long
thin rope with a noose on one end for throwing around the necks of cattle
or horses. It's from two Spanish words: "la reata," which means "the rope."
-------
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
-------
Health insurance is just like one of those hospital gowns. You only think
you're covered.
---------
The left leg became numb at times and she walked it off.
--------
Health officials say those little music players can impair your hearing.
What did she say? Something about a pair of earrings?
-----------
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted
a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan
have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".
This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten
styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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