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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 31.05.19 05:50z 228 Lines 5838 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 3066_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 31/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0IUZ<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<
N9PMO<WH6FQE<KC9VYU<W9GM<GB7YEW
Sent: 190531/0541Z 3066@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Into every life a little rain must fall
------
It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all.
And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only
thing that makes the result come true.
-- William James
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops
of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this
cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to
her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of
water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her
left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says,
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of
water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
-------------
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls
would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one
of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began
hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in year four."
"No, Madam," he replied, "I'm riding Cupid's Arrow in the 2.15."
-------------
Little Old Lady in court......
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own Words,
what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front Porch on a
warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up
on the Porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good.
Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling really 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me!'
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled,
'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him.
----------
Coarse
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bugger. You've messed the bed !!'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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