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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 30.05.19 06:03z 249 Lines 7761 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 3018_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 30/5
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<JH4XSY<JS1FVG<JM1YTR<JE7YGF<N9PMO<WH6FQE<ZS0MEE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190530/0555Z 3018@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Every path has its puddle
-----------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'SlimI'm 83
years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're
about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair no teeth and I think I just wet my pants.'
-----
A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice'The Lord said.
' Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all waysI will
grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I
can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking the supports required
reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it
would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can
do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. finally he said'
Lord I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want
to know how she feels inside what she's thinking when she gives me
the silent treatment why she cries what she means when she says
nothing's wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
The Lord replied'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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Chrisy and Barbie two blonde sisters had promised their uncle who had
been a seafaring gentleman all his life to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course in due time he did pass away and the two blondes kept their
promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched
up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Chrisy says'Do you think we're out far enough Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said
"nope not yet Chrisy". So they row a little farther....
Again Chrisy asks Barbie'Do you think we're out far enough now?
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says"no this
will never do the water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row and finally Barbie slips over the side and
disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting
worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enough yet Sis?'
"yes finally. Hand me the shovel."
------------
Sign over a gynaecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit please back in.
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a dripCall your plumber!
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place.
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
**************************
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessaryWe hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
Howeverif you don't you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry come on in
And get fed up.
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
--------------
Sexual content -
Truth & Rules.
There Are Three Things That Cannot Be Easily Hidden, The Sun,
The Moon, And The Truth.
2 Truths & 5 Rules of Life. As Buddha Quoted:-
SIMPLE TRUTHS.
1. Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the Story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
2. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and
say, "Congratulations".
But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good Job".
Moral of the story: Hard work is rarely appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:-
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a
Porsche than on a bike.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the arsehole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULE:- Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
-------
My Wife isn't talking to me, she said I had ruined her birthday.
I'm not sure how... I didn't even know it was her birthday.
---------
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite
being of very mature age he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black who was also a guest looked intrigued. After the show Cilla
said"Sean if I'm not bein too forward I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets
go back to my ''ouse we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to
bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards Sean says"If you think that was good let me shleep for half
an hour and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping hold my bawls
in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour awakens and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says"Cilla that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
for an hour we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem Hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. Again the results are absolutely mind
blowing.
Once it's all over they have a drink Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks "Sean tell me this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer Willie in the
other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies"No not at all Cilla but the last time I shlept with a
scouser she stole ma wallet !".
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