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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 28.05.19 07:30z 340 Lines 8230 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2953_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 28/5
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Sent: 190528/0722Z 2953@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Change not a clout 'till May be out
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Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke All I said was "golly you're tall.".
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They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the beanstalkâ€Ö in Birmingham,Bristol,Oldham,
Bradford,Burnley,Leicester,Luton & London: because the giant couldn't
smell any Englishmen.
--------
Years ago it was suggested that"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim I've found that a bacon sandwich
works a treat!
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Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy he's mainly black and brown with a small
white patch so I've named him Birmingham .
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Computers
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Todd's Law of Computer Problems: Anytime you start violating the laws of
Physics and sending little packets of information around through wires
You're just asking for trouble.
-------
Parable of the spoons
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and
said"Lord I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."
The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the
doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was
a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of
stew which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They
appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long
handles and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew
and take a spoonful but because the handle was longer than their
Arms they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said"You have seen Hell."
They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the
same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large
pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people
were equipped with the same long-handled spoons but here the
people were well nourished and plump laughing and talking.
The holy man said"I don't understand."
It is simple" said the Lord"it requires but one skill.
You see they have learned to feed each other."
----------------
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space never worrying about where
she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
.............................
* LIFE IN THE 1500's *
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because
the water temperature isn't just how you like it think about how
things used to be Here are some facts about the 1500's:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
in may and still smelled pretty good by June. however they were
starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when
getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water then all the other sons and
Men then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm so all the
cats and other small animals (mice bugs) lived in the roof when it
rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence a bed with
big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would
get slippery in the winter when wet so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore onthey added
more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence
the saying a thresh hold.
In those old days they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always
hung over the fire every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat
the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been
there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme Peas porridge hot peas porridge
cold peas porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon to show off. It
was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would
cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food causing lead poisoning
death. This happened most often with tomatoes so for the next 400 years or
so tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf the family got the middle and guests got the top or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family
would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to
a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins 1 out of
25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of
the corpse lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to
a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard
shift.) to listen for the bell thus someone could be saved by the bell or was
considered a ...dead ringer..
And that's the truth. Now whoever said History was boring ! ! !
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7ye
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