GM3YEW > HUMOUR 27.05.19 06:32z 215 Lines 7472 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2894_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 27/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190527/0628Z 2894@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
If wooly fleece deck the heavenly way be sure no rain will mar the day
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Defence
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My job is in the aerospace industry and it's always been a challenge to
Explain what kind of work I do.
At one gatheringI tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations
Before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up
While I was talking with a group of guys I replied simply "Defence
Contractor."
The men nodded and as the conversation went onI silently declared
Victory to myself. Then one of them turned to me and asked"So what do
You put up mainly? Chain-link?"
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Vet Bills
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While waiting at the veterinarian's office I overheard two women chatting
About their dogs.
"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well we used to call her Pork Chop" answered the second lady. "But after
The vet bills we've had for her we now call her Filet Mignon."
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The Prodigal Son Parable In The Key Of "F "
Feeling footloose and frisky a feather-brained fellow forced his fond
Father to fork over the family finances. He flew far to foreign fields and
Frittered his fortune feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Finally
Facing famine and fleeced by his fellows in folly he found himself a
Feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famished he fain would have
Filled his frame with the foraged foods of the fodder fragments left by the
Filthy farmyard creatures. 'Fooey 'he said' My father's flunkies fare far
Fancier the frazzled fugitive found feverishly frankly facing facts.
Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he forthwith fled to his
Family. Falling at his father's feet he floundered forlornly. 'Father I
Have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favour.'
But the faithful father forestalling further flinching frantically flagged
The flunkies. 'Fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.' But the
Fugitives''s fault-finding frater frowned on the fickle forgiveness of the
Former folderol. His fury flashed.
But fussing was futile for the far-sighted father figured such filial
Fidelity is fine but what forbids fervent festivity? The fugitive is
Found! "Unfurl the flags with fanfares flaring! Let fun and frolic freely
Flow!" "Former failure is forgotten folly is forsaken! And forgiveness
Forms the foundation for future fortitude."
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This was written by a black gentleman in Texas ..
When I was born I was BLACK When I grew up I was BLACK When I went
in the sun I stayed BLACK When I got cold I was BLACK When I was scared
I was BLACK When I was sick I was BLACK And when I die I still be BLACK.
NOW You 'white' folks....
When you're born you're PINK When you grow-up you're WHITE When you
go in the sun you get RED When you're cold you turn BLUE When you're
scared you're YELLOW When you get sick you're GREEN When you bruise
you turn PURPLE And when you die you look GREY.
So who y'all callin' COLOURED folks?
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Not The Best Reference
----------------------
At times managers are asked to provide references for former employees by
Companies considering hiring them. On one firm's form was the question "Was
This person a steady worker?"
Since the guy was a well known do-nothing his manager entered "Not just
Steady but motionless" in the space provided.
Armour
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In the olden days Prague a then modern and enlightened city in the midst
Of barbarian Teutonic types was a target for any petty warlord who could
Raise an army.
One of the most serious attacks was mounted in 1330 when several German
Princes put the city under siege. The King of Prague used diplomacy Strategy
and the city's stout walls to keep the enemy at baybut still
The siege held and the situation was getting desperate.
Finally the King decided to fall back on the time-honoured tradition of
Trial by individual combat and challenged the highest-ranking German
Prince to a joust. The German prInce was noted for his fighting ability
While the King had distinguished himself primarily by humanistic studies
So this seemed a terrible mismatch and one that would lead to the fall of
Prague.
But the King had a secret weapon or rather defence his studies had led
To the development of a new sort of Armour. He was sure that his discovery
Would give him more protection and more flexibility so that he would be
Able to overcome his opponent who would be encumbered by rigid plated
Armour.
The great day arrived and both heroes rode out for the joust. The people of
Prague watched from their city's walls with the Queen in the midst of
Them. There was great trepidation of course and it was added to by the
Fact that both men were of about the same height and both rode black
Horses.
In the dust raised by the battle one figure could be seen moving swiftly
And surely while the other seemed to lumber about always a second too
late or an inch too short. The dust obscured the heroes' colours but the
Queen raised a shout as the slower figure fell with a great clattering of
His plated Armour.
"But how do you know we've won?" asked the anxious town folk.
"I've told you and told you!" said the Queen. "The Czech is in the mail!"
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Bank
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Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless
And so easy to see happeningcustomer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit cardand then added
Late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00
Now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
Apply."
Family Member: "Maybeyou should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due it already has been."
Family Member: "So what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her
To the credit bureau maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."
Family Member: "Well if you figure it out great! If not you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery Highway 129 Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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