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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 20.05.19 07:50z 204 Lines 5482 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2514_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 20/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<N9PMO<VE1MPF<W9ABA<
KE0GB<KM8V<GB7YEW
Sent: 190520/0741Z 2514@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Spring has come when you can put your foot on three daisies
-------
A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like
you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage
disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis
is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"Didn't you say he was 13?"
-------------
A very devout man who was very over weight decided to go on a diet.
One of his main problems with eating was that he would stop for doughnuts
Every morning on the way to work. So to make things easier for himself,
He changed his route to work to avoid the temptation of stopping. As
The weeks went by he started losing a lot of weight and was receiving
Compliments from his friends and co-workers.
Then one morning without thinking, he accidently turned onto the road
Which would take him by the doughnut shop. At first he was going to turn
Around but then he thought to himself, "maybe the Lord is rewarding me
For my efforts". So, he said a short prayer telling the Lord that if
This was His true intention let there be an open parking place directly
In front of the shop.
And sure enough, on the fifth time around the block there was an open
Spot right up front.
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Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other
half. It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the
bus home.
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THE PROMISED LAND
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this
is the Promised Land."
Today, the present economy has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses,
raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, immigration, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to
press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was
suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
-----------
A lexophile ( a person who loves words and word plays)
Runs Amok !
Verbal Amoking...
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg, is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
---------
Course Language :-
Mick and Paddy of Belfast .
Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for
his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together...
Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll
him over'
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt
up..
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't
Stew '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stew with them two assholes.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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