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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 18.05.19 05:53z 307 Lines 8373 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 2266_GB7YEW
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Subj: Jokes 18/5
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Sent: 190518/0544Z 2266@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Great oaks from little acorns grow
--------
The Financial Crisis Explained In Simple Terms . . .
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales,
she decides to allow her loyal customers â€ö most of whom are
unemployed alcoholics â€ö to drink now but pay later. She keeps track
of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers
flood into Heidi's bar.
Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate
payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer,
the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank
recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases
Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern because
he has the promissory notes of Heidi's customers as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these
customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS.
These securities are then sold and traded on markets worldwide. No one
really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities
are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the
securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager of the bank,
(subsequently fired due to his negativity), decided that the time has come to
start demanding payment from Heidi for the debts incurred by the drinkers at
Heidi's bar.
Unfortunately Heidi's customers cannot pay back any of their debts to
Heidi. Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations to the bank and claims bankruptcy.
DRINKBOND FUNDS and ALKBOND FUNDS drop in price by 95½
PUKEBOND FUNDS perform better, stabilizing in price after dropping by
only 80½
The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment terms and
also having invested in the securities are faced with a new and desperate situation.
Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy and her beer supplier is taken over by a
competitor.
The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock
consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. They came up with
a miraculous rescue plan that saved the bank.
The funds required for this massive rescue are obtained by levying a new tax
on all the non-drinkers . . .
Finally, an explanation even I can understand.
-------------
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper
Behaviour for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules
That their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the
Priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
-------------
"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said.
"Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about
Canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as
Little as I think he does, he's out swimming
-----------
I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~
The 10 Best Caddy Replies
# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
--------
sexual
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on.... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone!!!
-----
Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always
he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how
badly run and loss making things were.
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the
hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you
do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send
them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they
send us a free roll. We recycle
whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What
about all these coloured casts
you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap
him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1
which is far in excess of the
10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was
determined to fluster the know-it-all executive.
"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision
surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is
save all the little foreskins and send them to government, and about
once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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