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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 14.05.19 06:24z 250 Lines 8003 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 1902_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 14/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IQ2LB<IR2UFV<GB7CIP<EI2GYB<N9LCF<KQ0I<KE0GB<KM8V<GB7YEW
Sent: 190514/0614Z 1902@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When cats wash behind their ears it means rain
-------
LOBSTERS
In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf
carrying two three-pound live lobsters - one in each hand. It was three
weeks after the season closed.
Who should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries
Officer who, upon viewing the live and
wiggling lobsters, says: "Well my son I got you this time - with two live
lobsters three weeks after the season closed!"
The Newfie says, "No - my son you are wrong! These are two
trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."
The Fisheries Officer says, " Trained like how?"
"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to
the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim
I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke or two. After about 15
minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes
them home!"
"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says, "Lets take them on
down the wharf and see if it's true."
So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of
the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters
into the water.
The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another!
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie,
"How about whistling?"
The Newfie says, "What for?"
The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the lobsters"
The Newfie says, "What lobsters?"
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says
"I hate to ruin your day but your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her and I'm sick
Of talking about this so call your sister in Boston and tell her"
And then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister who goes nuts upon hearing the
News.
She calls her father and yells"You are not getting a divorce! Bob
And I will be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a single thing do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone turns to his wife and says"It worked!
The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"
-------------
The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The
Husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.
"It's simple" he said. "Division of labour. My wife makes all the
Small routine decisions. She decides what house we buy where we
Go on vacation whether the kids go to private schools if I should
Change my job and so on."
"And you?"
"I make the big fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should
Declare war on China if Congress should appropriate money for a manned
Expedition to mars and so on."
Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From Noah's Ark
----------------------------------------------------
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do
something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be
done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the
cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a
rainbow waiting.
Canoe Race
----------
A Japanese company (Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors)
decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced
long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the
reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior
management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person
rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting
company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They
advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not
enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another
loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally
reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and
1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing
Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the
rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other
equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by TWO miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was
distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing
team was out-sourced to India.
Blind On One Side
-----------------
During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading:
"Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the
judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of
the room and explained, "I was thinking someone from maintenance!"
----------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
--------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed
her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even
the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his
credit card.
--------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea.
--------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Carl said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'
--------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean
to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord
replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
-------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think
I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now,
tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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