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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 13.05.19 06:40z 315 Lines 8544 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 1671_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 13/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<ZL2BAU<
GB7YEW
Sent: 190513/0629Z 1671@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
All sunshine makes a desert
-----
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into
the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in
a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you,
but I failed to mention that there was a condition to
your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful
woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will
also make your husband the most handsome man in the world,
an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the
most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest
man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than
you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his
and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for
you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think
they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the
show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only
goes to show that women never listen...now run along and
put the kettle on, there's a love.
---------------
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's
for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
-------
Signs
-----
(Sent by an American friend and purported to be actual signs. Maybe.)
At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:
Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended
On a California freeway:
Fine for Littering
On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:
Able to Do the Worst Possible Job
In a New York jewellery store:
Genuine Fauz Pearls
In a Kansas City oculist's office:
Broken lenses duplicated here
In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only
Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Can't Read, We Can Help
On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge
On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.
On a Rapid City store:
Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait
On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur
In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
Half baked chicken
In a Dayton barbershop:
During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here
On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore:
Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books
On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honouring Robert Frost:
Frost Free Library
One Day At A Time
-----------------
The most useless thing to do............Worry
The greatest Joy.......................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work...............Helping others
The ugliest personality trait..........Selfishness
The most endangered species............Dedicated leaders
The greatest "shot in the arm"..........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.......Fear
Most effective sleeping pill...........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease.....Excuses
The most powerful force in life........Love
The most dangerous pariah..............A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer....The brain !
The worst thing to be without..........Hope
The deadliest weapon...................The tongue
The two most power-filled words........"I Can"
The greatest asset.....................Faith
The most worthless emotion.............Self-pity
The most prized possession.............Integrity
The most beautiful attire..............A SMILE!
The most contagious spirit.............Enthusiasm
Everyone needs this list to live by... Feel free to share it.
............................
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example
of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning
the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's
probably true of many languages.)
There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than
any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the
dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list,
but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and
why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a
room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the
kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem
to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in
the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page
and can add UP to about thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is
used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes
out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does
not rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so
time to shut UP!
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U P
Don't screw up. Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book.
Now I'll shut up !
-------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign,
the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled
high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to
buy?'
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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