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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 12.05.19 06:13z 288 Lines 8637 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 1525_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 12/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<PY2BIL<GB7YEW
Sent: 190512/0609Z 1525@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
It never rains, but it pours
-------
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base
in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately
impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted
the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a
full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost
and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his air- plane, gave him a terrifying
"you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent
him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna
showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time
there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my
wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night."
------
Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few km's apart,
Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants,
concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was
indeed his soul mate and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of
their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While
having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm
very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship
continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing
question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about
golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going
to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love
you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each
other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed paused for a while then said,
”It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
-----------
A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning
Home from the pediatrician's office with his four kid she turned
His attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her he picked up the phone
To call her doctor.
The receptionist answered and he related the situation to her. She
Then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple
Of days but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone"Three days?! The doctor
Can't see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied"If so would
You please call to cancel the appointment?"
------
Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I
want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and
repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When
Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st.
'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...
I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by DA 3rd
day..' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the skipping!'
--------
Q: What happens if you get a gigabyte?
A: It megahertz.
------
Aging
------
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be
around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die
between the ages of 103 and 104."
Roses
-----
On a whim a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her
after work.
The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at the flowers in his
hand and started screaming, "This is the worst day that I have EVER had!
The kids have been terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine
broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog chewed up my best
pair of shoes...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!"
Superman
--------
At his request, each morning three-year-old Pauly's mother pinned a bath
towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his
young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red
cape. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Pauly's days were packed with
adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman!
This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in
kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked
Pauly his name.
"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.
The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked
again, "Your real name, please."
Again, Pauly answered, "Superman."
Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide
amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite
stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records."
Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Pauly slid his eyes
around the room, hunched closer to her, patting a corner of frayed towel at
his shoulder, then answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark
Kent."
Sexual and very Coarse
------------------------------
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One
took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat
... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After
takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up
and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat,
'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and
spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,
'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly
went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines
other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back
and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his
Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this
go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW.
THE PROUD.
THE MARINES.
-----------
The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with
vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are
warning about the dangers of minge drinking
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of
dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with
squatters!
858f Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the
shower...... .. The other 151aven't been to prison yet
Just been thrown out & barred from the local
swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I
didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!
Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may
not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women
in the crowd screaming 'come on .. .My face
I've just been to my first Muslim birthday party!
Musical chairs was a bit slow but pass the parcel was fast!
I dunno what all the fuss is about this shark coming to
Cornwall . It's the first thing in ages that's tried
to get in this country that's white !!
2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy
said to Murphy that's the best sex I've ever had, I
wonder how the girls got on?
If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers
day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wankers celebrate
palm Sunday?
-------
Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the
dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything!
They said the plumber was corgi registered
=====
Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition
on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the
ingredients they just need a tosser.
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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